'I'm Running For The UQLS Because I Want To Represent All 8 People That Came To Our Events This Year'

‘Once upon a time,’ remarked disgruntled fifth-year Jack Smith (23), ‘the UQLS was full of hot, fun, social nerds that knew how to throw a rave’. ‘Now…’ he lamented, ‘it’s just regular home brand nerds that run the show’.

Jack’s feedback comes after the UQLS suffered from poor attendance at many of its key events this year.

Students are all too familiar with ‘ticket sales extended’ posts cropping up on their Instagram stories up until 2 minutes before events like ‘first year laser tag/croquet/bingo night’.

It’s even rumoured that the UQLS started sharing its marketing department with the pigeons at Rugby Australia.

What are the solutions to this problem, you ask? Jack has suggested adding a ‘chad requirement’ to all UQLS positions, a proposal which Milton Brown (20), UQLS Administration Officer nominee, vehemently opposes.

‘The UQLS needs a strong voice for both people that attended Trivia Night,’ Milton said in a statement last night.

‘I will be that voice’.

Milton has since taken a 100-0 lead in the polls over his rival candidate, with some punters saying this is partly due to the lack of a rival candidate.

More to come.