Law Student Complains of Failed ‘Brat Summer’, Despite Voluntarily Partaking in 12 Weeks of Clerkships

“It’s a knife when you’re finally on top” laments summer clerk, as she begins to realise that, despite her love for Charli XCX’s magnum opus record, she couldn’t be further from a 365 partygirl.

 Much like the fashionableness of the phrase ‘brat summer’, the Uni holidays are well and truly dead.

While half of Brisbane seemingly mass coordinated a getaway to Japan, a select cohort of pre-penultimate year law students opted for the time-honoured tradition of summer clerkships. Uninterested in rest or relaxation, these aspiring young professionals chose to spend their summers working full-time in a windowless cubicle, vying for the chance to spend the rest of their lives working in a slightly larger windowless cubicle.

 The Obiter interviewed UQ student Olivia Riddles, who partook in not one, not two, but three summer clerkships at top-tier law firms. When asked how she enjoyed her summer break, Olivia admitted her surprise and disappointment that she didn’t have the ‘brat summer’ of her dreams.

 Instead of ‘leather tanned skin’, she was left with the sallow complexion characteristic of those who only see sunlight for 20 days of annual leave per year. She also reflected that it’s hard to ‘fall in love again and again’ when the only romance you have time for is a late-night doom-scroll on Hinge.

 What’s more, to her dismay no one at the Christmas party wanted to do lines in the bathroom with a summer clerk (that’s strictly reserved for people with a practicing certificate). “As a clerk, the only ‘bumpin’ that’ you’re doing is bumping into your supervising partner in the lift and having to make excruciatingly awkward small talk, or bumping into the special counsel on the way back from her silent bathroom cry.”

 At least she had the chance to end the holidays on a high watching Charli XCX’s performance at Laneway Festival, although even that experience was tainted with melancholy for Olivia. “It just made me feel like a fraud if I’m honest” Oliva admitted with a sigh. “I don’t think real 365 partygirls subscribe to LinkedIn Premium.”

ON THE GROUND FOR WEEK ONE AT UQ: They Came, They Saw, They Conked Out

From fervent freshers foaming to face their first finals, to borderline mature-age law students confident that their sixth year is definitely ‘their year’, many a UQ student walked through the pearly gates of the Great Court this week, ready to tackle the semester with gusto.

On Monday, aforementioned students strutted onto campus, adorned in meticulously curated outfits, their meal-prepped lunches and home-made coffees neatly packed into their annual new uni totes, not yet stained with ink, juice or a miscellaneous brown liquid. Hell, they even arrived at their classes 10 minutes early! One day in a row! HUZZAH!

Morale was still high as Tuesday rolled around. Unfortunately, the home-made coffees were a short-lived trend. The yearning was palpable as students rushed past Merlo, not quite so early for classes. Exercising extreme mental fortitude, students stayed strong on their no-spending vows and continued the walk/run to class, making it with two whole minutes to spare! Huzzah!

Wednesday brought a mid-week chaos. The sound of “fuck the 50 cent fares, I’m late!” resonated through the carparks amidst a twisted game of dodgem cars. Students burst through seminar doors, trying to mask their heavy breathing and gargantuan sweat beads. Shakily taking a seat, the bright eyed and bushy tailed quickly realised the readings they’d so admirably done ahead of time were actually for Week 2. At least they’re prepared for next week? Huzzah?

Thursday. Despite running 15 minutes late to mandatory tutes, students queued in droves to buy $8 iced lattes to wash down their flasks of whisky, spilling a little on their uni totes. In good news, miscellaneous brown liquid stains were finally identified. With already three missing tutorial preparation tasks, unpunctual pupils waltzed into class, taking the last remaining free seat: the teacher’s desk. Students flexed their skills in word-vomiting and managed to compensate for their lack of pre-reading. Participation marks were narrowly achieved. Huh.

No students were reported on campus on Friday.

BREAKING: Albo quaking in his boots as Dutton-hopeful takes on Constitutional Law this semester

“Just enrolled in LAWS3700! Watch out, Labor”, announced Benjamin Buttface (Young LNP legend) on Instagram threads this morning.

Reports out of the ACT this morning have described a low-level earthquake at the Lodge. Some paps allege the PM has been found wrapped tightly in bed, shivering - presumably in fear. Still speculative - it seems he's received word that notorious Young Liberal hero, 21 year old Benjamin Buttface has announced a new academic advancement.

Now entitled to bragging rights because he's read the entire Australian Constitution in preparation for the course, the upcoming election will surely be the biggest political takedown since Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson or Donald Trump & Joe Biden.

Buttface's notoriously significant cultural influence on his own demographic (ultra-conservative university students with a deep appreciation for their mounting HECS debt) combined with his newfound political credibility, mean Australia must prepare for a totally epic shakedown in May.

"Fuck you, Anthony. Not even the radical lefties can stop us now!"

(Hopefully no) more to come.

Market Day Hangover Eerily Reminiscent Of Valley Night Out

“God, I have the worst head noise this morning. Did I really need a membership to the Harry Potter Alliance?”

UQ first years across Brisbane awoke this morning with aching feet, $150 less in their bank accounts, and unfamiliar clothes strewn across their bedroom floors. If you thought these were the hallmarks of a rumbo-fuelled romp in Fortitude Valley, you’d be forgivably mistaken. In actuality, this is the aftermath of UQ Market Day.

Much like a night on the town, those who frequent Market Day arrive with a sense of hopeful optimism, naïve to the scale of damage they’ll be capable of causing over a mere 3 hours.

Apart from the obvious contrast of the blazing midday sun and the inexplicably Arctic climate of Prohibition night club, both Market Day and a night out are a total assault on the senses. Dazzling colours, bone-rattling bass thumping, and a barrage of overly enthusiastic strangers with unabashed ulterior motives.

In both cases you’ll inevitably be swept up in the chaos and have little recollection of events, other than a vague memory of tapping your card to the tune of $10 over and over again. The only difference is instead of basics, you’re purchasing equally inconsequential memberships to clubs whose meetings you’ll never attend and whose perks you’ll never actually use. On the bright side, at least at Market Day you might walk away with an ill-fitting club-branded t-shirt for your troubles.

But perhaps the most striking similarity between Markey Day a big night out is that despite today’s nauseating hang-xiety, crippling shame and mild amnesia…you’ll most certainly be back to do it all again next year.

Soft-Launched Partner Confirmed to Have an Exceptional Elbow

In a groundbreaking revelation, Chelsea’s 900 Instagram followers can now confirm that, while they may not know her new girlfriend’s name or even what she fully looks like, they do know one crucial detail: she has a very nice elbow.

The soft launch was unveiled earlier this morning with a seemingly innocuous photo of a large cappuccino, but eagle-eyed followers were quick to spot the true focus of the post; an unidentified elbow peeking into frame from across the table.

Screenshots were taken, with some speculating that the elbow in question might belong to a parent, a friend, or even a random cafe goer caught in the frame. Others, however, were convinced this was the first breadcrumb in a carefully curated reveal, leading to an all-out social media investigation.

In what can only be described as a Cinderella glass slipper moment, determined followers have begun scouring Chelsea’s past posts for any signs of the elusive elbow. Will they uncover the identity of its owner? Or will Chelsea maintain the mystery a little longer?

‘Why I’m (vaguely considering) running against Mikayla O’Flynn from the floor’

An opinion piece by Harry Rae.

Friends, our democracy is at stake. And it comes from a threat far greater than anything we’ve seen before. Mikayla O’Flynn coached a team that beat a team I coached in debating and I’m incredibly salty. Now, she stands unopposed as candidate for UQLS president, and the time has come to take a stand. I will (threaten to) run from the floor to defend our society.

It happened twice. First time in round 4, and then again in the semi-final. The worst part: Mikayla O’Flynn had paid every single adjudicator that voted against me. This is true. All three adjudicators that had the audacity to award Mikayla victories were also adjudicators for the Brisbane Girls Debating Association. An organisation Mikayla was president of this year.

Coincidence? I think not. In fact, I’m certain not. They are all great adjudicators; it’s no wonder both QDU and BGDA wanted them. But it doesn’t help my narrative to dwell on that, so instead let’s focus on Mikayla paying off adjudicators just to spite me.

You might be thinking, “Harry, you clearly feel very strongly about this. But why vote for you? What is your platform?” 3 things.

1.     All candidates must disclose all payments made to QDU adjudicators.

2.     Anyone who skips dress rehearsal of law revue to watch the debating team they coach win the state final should be disqualified from running for UQLS office.

3.     We must reform UQLS election procedure to make preferential voting compulsory rather than optional. This is serious (not that the other stuff isn’t), optional preferential voting is basically asking for undemocratic outcomes due to vote exhaustion.

Are any of these remotely as useful as Mikayla’s policy platform of making the UQLS more inclusive, accessible and responsive? Who’s to say? For sake of abiding by UQLS election by-laws I am explicitly not answering that question.

Do I know literally anything about how to run an organisation on the scale of the UQLS? To answer that would potentially sway your vote in a manner impermissible in this forum so I shall leave that to the imagination.

But am I incredibly hell-bent on victory? You bet I am. (And if you do so, Luke Allen and I will be collecting those bets at the door of the AGM, as well as any bets on other positions. Chances are, you’re about to lose. What’s gambling really costing you?)

Be there, at the UQLS AGM on Thursday October 31st to watch as Mikayla runs for president against (maybe) me. Unless you think this is some kind of joke, in which case come along anyway because there’ll be lots more of that coming from the Obiter and there’s free pizza.

‘Zac of All Trades’ Williams: The Dichotomy of Man

Zac Williams has shocked absolutely no one after putting in an advanced nomination for BOTH Socials Officer and Sports Officer. After a hectic year as Graduate & International Officer, a term in either the Sports or Socials portfolio seems like child’s play for him.

Despite Sneaky Zac using different photos for each nomination, the Obiter in its investigative journalism skills has confirmed that it was, in fact, the same person. Perhaps the dead give-away was the identical format of both nominations, only substituting the words ‘social’ and ‘sporty’.

Zac’s multiple advanced nominations go miles in establishing his very relevant experience for both the roles of Socials Officer and Sport Officer.

If elected, ‘Social Zac’ would rely on his ‘extroverted’ personality and the fact that he ‘goes out regularly with mates’ to assist with the organisation of UQLS Events. Most would say he is almost too qualified for the role. His cheeky grin in the provided photo certainly establishes him as a ‘social’ guru!

But not so fast! ‘Sporty Zac’ has been involved in Cricket, Touch, AFL, Soccer, Basketball as both a player, referee and spectator (or Judge, Jury and Executioner, in legal terms). Complete with an athletic hat and visor sunnies, Zac is focused and ready to win whichever one of the aforementioned sports he is meant to be playing/refereeing/spectating in the supplied photo. Serious and competitive ‘Sporty Zac’ is miles away from the extroverted ‘Social Zac’ we met only pages beforehand in the Advanced Nominations guide.

Zac Williams really is definition of the phrase ‘the dichotomy of man’. He was also definitely a TC in High School.

The Obiter are confident that Williams has two sets of ‘social’ and ‘sporty’ clothing ready for his respective speeches at the UQLS AGM this Thursday. He probably has another set of clothing as well – a costume for the Halloween party he’s attending afterwards. He’s a busy man! Social, sporty and spooky!

Come along to the UQLS AGM on Thursday, 31 October 2024 at 11am in E215, Forgan Smith (East Wing) and see for yourself!

Mikayla Reportedly Hires Kamala Harris's Campaign Manager for 'Brat' Campaign Strategy

In an unprecedented turn of events, it appears that Charlie XCX could become the unlikely catalyst behind a successful presidential campaign (not to mention, the position is also currently uncontested).

Kicking off her campaign with the rallying cry, “I’ve listened to 102 Charlie XCX songs today,” raises some essential questions:

1. Are there even 102 Charlie XCX songs to reference?

2. Does listening to Charlie XCX somehow translate to presidential qualities?

3. Are we sure there’s even 101 Charlie XCX songs?

Until a few months ago, “Brat” was hardly a term you’d expect to lead a political campaign. It’s not even something you’d dare call your worst enemy! But, as The Obiter has uncovered, after some extensive research, it turns out that Mikayla isn’t embracing the “brat” of “a child who behaves badly” (Cambridge Dictionary Definition). Instead, she’s bringing us the trendier “Brat Summer” vibe—more carefree, more trendy etc.

Rumour has it that Mikayla’s policies for the UQLS in 2025 will be directly inspired by Charlie XCX song titles. Here’s a preview of what The Obiter expects:

• “Apple”: A policy mandating an apple a day to keep doctors away. Likely to discourage med students—a win!

• “Talk Talk”: Emphasising transparency and open conversations within the law school.

• “Sympathy is a Knife”: Perhaps an anti-JATL stance?

• “Club Classic”: Could this be a typo for “Sub Classic”? Possibly free Subway for law students?

• “Guess”: Let’s assume this one keeps us guessing.

With Kamala Harris’s campaign manager on her team, this campaign may just raise the bar for inventive political strategy. We at The Obiter wish Mikayla and her powerhouse team every success as they dive headfirst into the Brat Summer campaign season!

Man Of (George) Steel

With his tall frame, deep voice and chiseled jawline, we think George might genuinely be Superman. From debating to taking Italian classes at the Societa Dante Aligihieri, George can do it all.

But can he win the position of UQLS Secretary?

Will George be able to use his laser eye focus to ensure the bylaws are followed?

Will he be able to use his frost breath to chill out the leadership committee when arguments get heated?

Will he be able to fly around the world so fast that he reverses time and stops us writing this stupid article?

Or will a challenger from the floor be his Kryptonite?

The S on his chest actually means hope, not Steel. Ummm, Obama 2008 alert!? Come along to the UQLS AGM this Thursday at 11am.

UQLS Embraces ‘Minimalist’ Event Marketing for 2025 Amid Design Talent Shortage

Say goodbye to brat-themed trivia nights and movie-inspired law balls—UQLS’s 2025 event marketing will lean heavily on “simplistic shapes and hard edges,” filling the gap left by a scarcity of artistic talent in the law school.

While the exec claims this shift “modernises” events and “exposes the essence of the forms,” some skeptics see it as a thin cover for Canva incompetence.

Some students are on board, quipping, “Anything looks good after a day with the Judiciary Act 1903.” Others worry the minimalist designs might end up looking as dull as the act itself.

In a world exclusive, The Obiter has obtained early access to the 2025 marketing materials. Let’s just say, we have our doubts: