Year 7 Debater fired into the sun after going five seconds overtime

“Ding, ding, BOOM!”

 The rules were simple:

“Speakers will speak for four minutes, with a warning bell at 3 minutes, a double bell at 4 minutes, and an inter-continental ballistic missile firing them into the sun at 4 minutes 30 seconds if they fucking dare to speak overtime”.

But for first time debater Edward Johnston, 11, it was a step too far.

So caught up was he in his third affirmative speech, rattling through all the fundamental flaws in his opponents’ arguments, that he didn’t heed to warning of the first bell.

By the time the double bell sounded, he still had 2 palm cards left, and an entire summary of his team’s case.

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Edward sped through his points, but just as he got to his final sentence there was a rude interruption.

“For all these reasons, we are so proud to prop-” BOOM! The timekeeper, 10 year old Sarah Thomas, pressed the big red button on the timekeeper’s desk, sending Edward hurtling through the roof, out of the Earth’s atmosphere, and into the sun where he promptly died.

Onlookers were stunned, but Sarah only had six words to appease the shocked masses: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

More to come.

Temu Trump Wants To 'Make Plagiarism Great Again'

Educators collectively groan as Dutton demonstrates academic misconduct can get you surprisingly far in life.

This week Opposition Leader Peter Dutton proposed a referendum on deporting all dual citizens convicted of criminal offences in Australia. If you’re feeling a sense of déjà vu, like you’ve heard something like this in the news already this week, you’d be absolutely correct. It’s all part of the prospective PM’s unorthodox, yet apparently very effective new campaign strategy: plagiarism.

 Dutton’s announcement comes not even a week after several similar deportation-centric policies were implemented by US President Donald Trump, making this the latest in a spree of Dutton unashamedly copying Trump’s homework.

From plans to end work-from-home arrangements, to slashing the public service workforce, to baseless claims that DEI policies are to blame for all that’s wrong with the world, Dutton might as well have copied and pasted the Wikipedia page for Trump’s first three months in Office. He’s even suggested an equivalent to Elon Musk’s ‘DoGE,’ which unfortunately for Zillenials evokes not only the usual sense of impending political doom, but also irritating memes of illiterate Shiba Inus.

 In an exclusive interview with The Obiter, Dutton gleefully remarked “Why do the work when you can just copy someone else’s"? In the real world, there’s no Turnitin score or Academic Misconduct allegations to hold you back. Take this as a sign kids, with a little grit, a little determination, and absolutely no moral compass, you too could be a political leader like me!”

 School teachers, university lecturers, and Australian academic authorities alike are at a loss for how to proceed given Dutton’s public promotion of plagiarism. “Honestly what’s left to do at this point?” lamented India Pilly, a high school teacher from Brisbane. “If one of the most powerful men in Australia, potentially our next Prime Minister, is proof that plagiarism is the key to success, what hope do I have convincing Billy from Year 9 not to use Chat GPT to do his History Assignment? Honestly, I don’t get paid enough to care about this shit.”

 This new strategy has seen Dutton dubbed ‘Temu Trump’ which evidently could not be more accurate. After all, he’s a disappointing knock- off, worth a lot less money, and (based on the Liberal Party’s recent record) will be replaced within a matter of months.

​​Waiting for Coffee Outside Merlo starting to feel like Claiming Baggage at Airport

The ‘I cannot walk in a straight line’ syndrome has finally broken out across UQ’s St Lucia campus, worse than ever before.

John Walkright (21) has told Obiter journalists that this past Monday was the “worst of his life.” According to Walkright, university students all over St Lucia have decided that 2025 is the year during which first and fifth year students alike have given themselves a free pass to neglect both driving rules and concepts of spatial awareness.

Walkright’s troubles really began during the Cyclone Alfred lockdown, as he waltzed into Coles to grab his weekly helping of Marvellous Creations and a bag of grapes. An anxious customer had run over his foot with a trolley filled with toilet paper and six hundred cans of baked beans. Whilst he admits the bandage ruins his nonchalant Birkenstock-boy sorta vibe, Walkright was still keen to return to uni this week.

At approximately 7:50am on Monday morning, accelerating to the average pace of 67km/h down Fred Schonell drive, Walkright nearly rear ended two cars in front of him rolling along to the speed of 20km/h. He looked around for a road safety camera, but could find neither this nor clear signage with similar messaging to, ‘It’s okay to drive like an idiot today.’

Walkright’s troubles didn’t end here. As he patiently waited for his triple shot long black beside the wall of towering Merlo milk crates, he completely lost sight of the coffees being churned up to the dispensing counter.

“They’re just like pigeons, flocking around the counter right after they’ve ordered,” he told the Obiter. “I ended up with an eight ounce soy flat white today because two people stole my coffee. What soy flat white drinker is grabbing a long f**cking black?! It’s got to be the first years.”

His troubles not yet over, Walkright tried to exit a classroom during a tutorial break and walked right into someone entering class halfway through. He then performed what may have looked like a breakdance to passers-by – those steep law library stairs had sure proved to be a challenge as he tried to skirt someone walking up the right hand side, eyes glued to Block Blast on their phone.

Unsure when this epidemic of reduced common sense will end, Walkright has told the Obiter that if it happens again tomorrow, he may (accidentally) kick someone in the face.

TC Alfred? Please. Try TC Beirne (School of Law)

UQ law students reportedly ‘not phased’ amongst the aftermath of the category 2 cyclone. Why would they be? They’re already weathering the hardest storm known to man: an LLB(Hons) at UQ.

“Just another day in the life!” is the resounding sentiment echoing throughout the hallowed halls of the Walter Harrison Law Library.

This Alfred palava has revealed that, apparently, going multiple days – with survival dependant on non-perishables, little water, and low lighting – is scary for most Brisbanites. Thankfully, a small group of adequately climatised individuals made themselves known to the Queensland Premier, David Crisifulli-of shit. UQ law students stepped out of the shadows (literally – can someone please install suitable overhead lighting on Level 4) to speak at multiple press-conferences, providing some very constructive advice on surviving a cyclone.

“Yeah, see, unlike you suckers, we’ve been dealing with a TC for years now. TC Beirne. Category 6. Never heard of one of those, hey? Yeah. Didn’t think so.”

“TC Beirne is our normal. This Alfred chump was, excuse the pun, like a breath of fresh air!”

“You SEQ-ers get so riled up about cyclones. You should see what it’s like up in Cairns, or during the Torts I mid-semester take home!”

One UQ law student explained how she was very used to TCs – given Beirne, of course, but also because all the skinny rich popular girls and rowing blokes from her school are in her seminars.

Unsurprisingly, Brisbane got through Alfred. But not without the valiant leadership, and notorious humility of UQ law students. Who knew knocking down a few Red Bulls, talking shit, and getting nothing of note completed could get you to the other side of TC!

Etsy Website Literally Crashes After ‘Flood’ Of Cyclone-Induced DIY Craft Projects

Reminiscent of the ‘Covid Crafting Craze of ‘20’ when faced with adversity Gen Z reached for crochet hooks and watercolour paints.

Brisbane has been left reeling after another flood, but not the one you might be thinking of.

In the latest in a series of outages, from power to the stock of toilet paper at all supermarkets within a 100-kilometre radius, popular e-commerce website Etsy is the latest victim of ex-Cyclone Alfred’s tediously drawn-out wrath.

Etsy, best known for its handmade trinkets and craft projects, went dark this morning thanks to an unprecedented influx of amateur art projects uploaded to the site. Wonky knitted scarves, lopsided crochet bucket hats, and paintings tagged as “abstract” (which we understand to be code for “astoundingly average”) were uploaded in their thousands. A representative from Etsy remarked that not since the first Covid-19 lockdown had they seen website traffic like this.

The Obiter’s economic analysts enlisted a team of Anthropology doctoral candidates from The University of Queensland to make sense of this bizarre but increasingly correlative relationship between crises and crafting.

“We’ve observed this trend becoming gradually more pervasive in adults responding to public emergencies” explained anthropologist Homer Sapien. “Our theory is young adults who spent formative years consuming hours of ‘LaurDIY’ and ‘5 Minute Crafts’ videos have developed subconscious neurobiological instincts to do arts and craft in times of great distress, as a means of mental self-preservation. Not to mention, carefully curated Instagram stories featuring half-painted canvases and homemade Aperols give them the dopamine hits they’re missing while the pubs and clubs are shut.”

“So rather than traditional survival instincts where one might be compelled to gather food, medicine and batteries, our Gen Z colleagues instead feel a strong urge to forage for glitter glue and 2-for-1 yarn at Spotlight.”

Whilst this story might seem light-hearted on its face, the anthropologists expressed some concerns for the future of humankind if these patterns do represent a genuine shift in biological survival instincts. “I’m not sure how well these young people will fare if all they’ve gathered is overpriced acrylic paints instead of…y’know…food? Let’s just hope their crafting plans include macaroni art, then at least they’ll have some dry pasta to munch on.”

Deep stuff.

Mate in Edinburgh on six-month exchange marks themself as ‘safe’ from TC Alfred on FB

Posting between pints at the local pub, Jamie Jeans felt proud that she had the insight to let her community know she is, in fact, sheltered from the tragic effects of the tropical cyclone occurring in a completely different hemisphere. 

‘Some people might not be aware I’m overseas. This way, there’s absolutely no ambiguity’, she explained to her new friends from abroad. 

‘Give me a fucking break, it’s so insensitive’, a source close to the ex-pat told the Obiter. ‘I haven’t had phone battery for 48 hours. I finally open Facebook and it’s the first thing I see. Tone deaf bitch’. 

‘I actually haven’t spoken to her since she left, she’s not answering my calls’, remarked mother Jean Jeans. ‘In a way it’s been positive, at least we know she’s alive’.

In an exclusive interview with Ms Jeans, The Obiter asked her what message she had for her homeland of South East Queensland in these trying times. ‘I love a sunburnt country. A land of sweeping plains, Of ragged mountain ranges, Of droughts and flooding rains.’ 

The Obiter then asked Ms Jeans whether she had any of her own words she wished to share that weren’t those of the late Australian poet, Dorothea Mackellar. 

She said that ultimately, she had some pretty intense FOMO, but emphasised that ‘every dark cyclonic cloud has a silver lining’. ‘I mean, I’m here drinking Guinness, pashing hot Scotsman and living my best life. I have to, out of solidarity for my friends and family back home’. 

Give us a fucking break.

BREAKING UPDATE: Cyclone Alfred actually IS Local Woman's Ex

ALL BARK AND NO BITE: After an all too familiar weeklong episode of performance anxiety, Cyclone Alfred has up and ghosted us after getting us only ever so slightly wet.

***

 All of Brisbane has been left woefully unimpressed after Cyclone Alfred failed to climax last night, having now been demoted to a measly ‘tropical low’ by the bureau of Meteorology.

 Like many a Brisbane ex-situationship, Alfred has been spotted on the beach at the Sunshine Coast, ghosting all of us after last night’s poor performance.

CEO and Director of Meteorology Andrew Johnson has stated that after “edging us all week,” Alfred supposedly came overnight, and yet this morning is absent from Brisbane. Residents are reportedly frustrated by Mr Johnson, asking why he put us on with Alfred, when any other tropical storm would have likely had a better performance, and potentially even a second date. Skeptics have claimed that Mr Johnson was doing a favour for Alfred, who seemingly gets no play.

 To add to the frustration of many, Alfred has somehow not only managed to cancel International Womens Day for all of Brisbane, while still being notably absent on the day of the event.

 While still causing relatively severe damage to Queensland coast, it seems as though what we were promised in DMs was seemingly all talk.

What’s new?

Cyclone Alfred kinda reminds Local Woman of her Ex

But there’s one key difference: Cyclone Alfred will actually come. 

As South-East Queensland comes to terms with Cyclone Alfred being set to thundercunt Brisbane, Lily (22) has suffered her own additional damage from the cyclone; the reminder of her ex, Alfred (23). The bright and sunny start to the week referenced the initial hope and optimism from Lily that her new relationship with Alfred would be . The harsh reality of the relationship was just like how the weather in Brisbane would turn towards at the end of the week; dark, stormy, and moody.

“This cyclone won’t be the most destructive thing called Alfred” chuckled Lily as the cyclone drew nearer.  The gale-force winds and rainfall could not compare to the emotional damage she endured as she discovered her ex cheating on her with Samantha. The loud winds and rains echoed Alfred’s loud begging to Lily that this ‘wasn’t what it seemed,’ almost as if they were teasing her of that fateful day. And the darkened and colourless sky reflected the complete lack of flavour and charisma between Lily and Alfred. It reminded her that the relationship would have never worked out, and that it was time to move on. Cyclone Alfred would wreak havoc for many people, but for Lily, it finally provided closure.

The Obiter is hopeful that Cyclone Alfred won’t be anywhere near as horrific as Lily’s Alfred.

Stock Up on Diet Coke and Charge Your Vibrators! Gen Z Sharehouses Are Preparing for The Worst

With uni classes now cancelled for the week, 20-year-old share house dwellers are making use of their extra time to hunt and gather the absolute essentials in preparation for Cyclone Alfred.

 Emily [20] was spotted scaling the drinks aisle at Coles for the last remaining 4-pack of sugar-free Redbull, putting skills from her weekly rock-climbing classes to good use.

 Emily claimed she was “providing for her family” as her girlfriend has moved in with her for the week. Apparently, the thought of being trapped at home with her parents was “almost as unbearable as Adrien Brody’s Oscars speech”.

 Her girlfriend was reported close-by in the dairy section, ransacking the Meredith Dairy goat’s cheese, despite earning minimum wage.

 “If I’m going to fucking die in a cyclone I deserve to go out with the thing I love the most!” She was not referring to her girlfriend, Emily.

 Back at the Queenslander, Emily’s roommate, whose name is coincidentally also Emily, has begun to hoard the portable chargers, gearing up for a black out. “I need my phone charged for the new episode of ‘White Lotus’!” Emily is most worried that she’ll have to actually have to make conversation her roommate if they get flooded in.

 Her empty kitchen cupboards and lack of toilet paper also seem to be of no bother to her, compared to the stress that she’s running low on her Olaplex No. 4 shampoo. “Usually, a bottle would last me a month, but since moving in with Emily, they only last three weeks!” Emily suspects foul play. We suspect greasy hair.

 Tensions are mounting. Shelves are empty. Cyclones are brewing. Stay tuned for more!

‘Maybe Life is Worth Living Again!’, thinks Woman after First Sip of Iced Caramel Latte on Oat

“I probably don’t need to see my psychologist anymore.”

After paying $11.75 for a medium iced caramel latte on oat milk, Sue Flay (24), suddenly felt a new zest for life after consuming her “treat for the week.”

Overwhelmed with her demanding 9-5 job, meeting last week’s rent and the overall uncertainty of our global political climate, Flay’s worries have seemingly vanished after taking a single sip of her iced beverage.

This comes after a particularly hard week for Flay, whose Euro summer dreams were shattered after taking a peek at her HECS debt of $39,496. The drink, however, has somehow deluded her into thinking she can afford spending $6000 for a trip to Italy.

“This latte has really reignited something in me,” says Flay after tossing her (supposedly) biodegradable plastic cup in the recycling bin. “I actually think life is really beautiful!”

When asked about the exorbitant price of her latte, Flay simply brushed it off.

“You just have to look at it in a girl maths lens. It’s basically an investment in my productivity and happiness.”

This appears to contradict the scientific evidence which shows that caffeine – a stimulant like the drug methamphetamine – can lead to increased levels of anxiety, nervousness and sleeplessness.

For now, though, Flay seems to revel in her newfound optimism.