Ita Buttrose has begun her reign as Chairwoman of the ABC by announcing the mass culling of any male staff in the Triple J office this Friday.

The national youth broadcaster has traditionally shown some mild form solidarity towards women through their ‘girls to the front campaign,’ stacking the airwaves with female presenters and artists. However, reports indicate Buttrose felt, although well-intentioned, the move was not radical enough to achieve meaningful change.

‘I actually got the idea from a lovely gentleman named Darren in our Facebook comments that said if women get paid less, why don’t you just hire only them,’ explained Buttrose.

‘So, today the halls of the ABC will be filled with crimson equality!’

Chaotic scenes ensued, after a memo calling women to arms was distributed at lunchtime. Breakfast hosts Ben and Liam, who had enjoyed a rare weekday sleep-in, were bound and gagged before being paraded around the office.

‘We’re not fucking around’, screamed Veronica, as she plunged a dagger into Lewis’ chest.

Tom Tilley had barricaded himself in a supply closet and was sobbing as Brooke broke down the door with an axe. ‘Heeeeeeeeeere’s Boney!’ she screamed maniacally, as she showed a weeping Tilley the true meaning of Hack.

Long-term friendships were cast aside, as Linda Marigliano used piano wire to hang Dr Karl from an exit sign. ‘You old fool, you have bestowed the sacred knowledge upon me. Now I wear the party shirt!’ she cackled.

While potentially detrimental to the station’s regular programming, the textline has been generally enthusiastic about the day, with many listeners texting in ‘gnarly’ and Susie from Mt Gambier texting in ‘You girls rock, I’m G Flippin’ the fuck out right now!’

Was this a move toward gender equality, or will it only serve to cause a greater rift in opportunity? Only time will tell.

More to come.