With mid-semester assessment heating up faster than the late August temperature, university students across all corners of Dutton Park and Yeronga are beginning to feel the pressure. Not the pressure of learning a normal degree during completely abnormal world-ending times, but rather, the pressure of trying to impress Mum and/or Dad.

And for Law students, the Jurisprudence take-home exam shapes as a serious source of stress. With only 24 hours to complete the exam, it’s estimated that absolutely zero percent of students will do the sensible thing and do it in deadset like two hours.

Many will take the full twenty-four, in a move so deranged it’s been compared to the decision to fuck a security guard. Not even just in quarantine, just in general. They’re bastards.

But the height of absolute geekdom are the students who are preparing to sit the take-home without even having the dope, kick-ass lived experience of chowing down on a mate’s leg after you went speluncean exploring with him.

Wow! Did no-one get outside much?

Our deeply buff sources have reported that much of the talk of the Law School is about ‘due dates,’ instead of ‘Jew dates,’ which is what we nicknamed this Jewish couple in our cave-exploring group who were on their third date before we got trapped and we had to eat them both, and then ourselves.

Crazy scenes!

The epidemic of frickin’ nerds in the Law Library is one that has been observed by many of the cool, loose legends to walk the hallowed halls of TCB. But the fact that rates of observed cannibalism are on the decline is shameful.

Drink a fucking beer.

No more to come.