The cold weather has sent a stern message that it doesn’t care how many pick and drives you can do in 80 minutes, it’s coming to crack your lips. This lesson was learnt the hard way by third grade prop Rory ‘Rhino’ Young. While the backline can get away with hair gel and an iconic red tube of Paw Paw ointment in their kit bags, the big boys up front are not so lucky.

‘I need feminism because I’m sick of tasting blood all winter’ said the 110kg front rower.

‘At a generous best I can get away with Vaseline, but the sooner toxic masculinity is eradicated from society the sooner I can be up front with the team about my love of strawberry lip balm’

The closet moisturiser explained his intricate and covert reapplication routine to The Obiter.

‘It begins straight after the game when some of the boys go out for a dart, I hide the Chapstick in my lighter hand and pretend to be turning away from the wind, so they don’t see me giving my lips sweet relief.’

It appears that the Rhino is not the only member of the forward pack hiding this dirty little secret. An Obiter investigation uncovered that over the course of the season second rower Liam ‘Duggo’ Duggan has smuggled his Nivea Hydro Care tube internally in order to avoid detection by the rest of the team. Duggo admits that putting a small tube up his bum is radical but argues that it is necessary to avoid accusations that he enjoys sticking other things up his bum if it were discovered he took care of his skin.

‘I had a bit of a close call in the showers once, Rhino came in and we both had our lip balms in hand. The fear in both of our eyes confirmed that we would never speak of it again. We can only hope for a utopia where a man can smash a tinnie on his forehead, turn around and put Sorbolene on his hands. In the meantime, I’ll stick to bum smuggling’

It is regrettable that the idea of a little bit of self-care could undo years of work building a reputation as a hardened piss cutter.

Hopefully for their sake no more to come.