In recent weeks, Australian universities have been rocked by a number of grave allegations, reporting widespread sexual assault and hazing taking place at residential colleges. However, in the wake of these alarming revelations, we have been assured that there is “nothing to worry about here!” by 19-year-old King’s College student, Dominic Dinglesmith-Murray.

The recently-released Red Zone Report has shocked the nation, detailing distressing incidences of abuse and harassment. But when The Obiter contacted King’s, a residential college at the University of Queensland, we were confidently assured by Mr. Dinglesmith-Murray that there is absolutely no need to investigate any possible wrongdoing, and anyone who recommends such investigation “…just doesn’t really get college.”

“This all comes from complete misunderstandings of college culture. Rituals are incredibly important to us, and bring us together. They forge a real sense of community. It’s hard not to become close with your college mates when you’ve drunk beer that was trickling down their genitals!”

The product of a comfortable upbringing in leafy Ascot, Dominic reportedly “adored” his first week at college, suggesting it was “just like rugby camp!” An Old Boy of Stonewood Goat Grammar School, and self-confessed John Howard “maniac,” Dominic quickly grew passionate about college, wearing his college cap around university, and loudly proclaiming in lectures “…had the most mental night at college last night!”

As we walked away from our interview with Dominic, he continued to assure us that there was absolutely “nothing to see here” at college. “Have you heard that new Paul Kelly album, Life is Fine? Yeah, it was actually written about the present situation at King’s,” reported Dominic, enthusiastically chuckling to himself.

Hopefully, no more to come.