In incredible scenes, the Catholic Church has announced its plan to compensate victims of systemic child sex abuse by buying them all "a drink when we get inside."
The Royal Commission into the institutionalised sex abuse of children in the Catholic Church has led to a range of sweeping reforms, both theological and political. However, many have continually called for the Church to institute a compensation plan for the victims of this horrific episode in the history of the Church.
They've gone and done it. In a move described as "groundbreaking," these victims will now be compensated by the purchasing of an alcoholic drink inside the club we're going to tonight.
Despite the victim’s pleas to just transfer to their bank accounts, the Church has insisted that this will be much easier for all parties involved. Even when the victims clearly provided their bank account and BSB, the Church waved this away, saying they'd "rather just shout you a drink, you stinge!"
When questioned about the scope of the compensation that will be available, Vatican spokesperson Geoffrey Crown has told Obiter that it will be “all good bro”. The Obiter sought further clarification about whether a cash transfer was considered, we were met with the simple response of "...chill bro, what, do you not even want the victims of horrific abuse to get a drink inside?"
Spokesman Geoffrey Crown continued. “We acknowledge we are in the wrong here, and just want to make it up to everyone we have hurt by our deliberate sheltering of known peodophiles.”
“We are more than happy buy everyone a schooner of mid-strength beer to make up for this silly old mess, just don’t go crazy on the spirits - we’re not made of money!” reports the spokesperson for the institution which is yet to file a tax return.
Unconfirmed sources have also indicated to Obiter that the Church’s parents may pay for its Uber account. Therefore, the Church seeking everyone to "pay us back for the Uber home" is pretty high and mighty, much like God.
More information as it comes.