Nicknames. An integral part of the Australian identity.

Everyone gets one. They can be easy; contracting the last name and adding an –o, a -y or even –azza. Think of Jacko, Smithy, or Shazza.

Some are even ironic. Think of calling a red-headed friend ‘Blue,’ or your token fat mate ‘Slim.’ These are epithets that have endured the test of time, central to the very soul of this country.

However, in a worrying study that involved analysing the yarns spun by fifty-something, mid-life-crisis-ridden Dads across the nation, it appears that the creativity of nicknames has been in a steady decline.

The shocking findings have yielded one simple revelation: your friends nicknames are not as cool as your parents friends were.

Sure, some of the hijinks that they reportedly got up to may be embellished but that doesn’t mean they didn’t sound cool as shit doing it. Move over Davo and Bluey, here come Chips McCoy and Meathook Rafferty. You think Bazza is cool? Sink your teeth into Bobby Buckshot.

These guys could make a stroll to the shops sound like the next instalment of ‘The Expendables.’ Or so we’re told, by men who do nothing but drink beer and talk about events that happened thirty years ago, as if genuinely nothing interesting has happened since then.

So what’s changed? We asked one of your dad’s mates ‘Skull’ (54) his opinion.

‘I reckon it’s the masturbation.’

We reacted with some shock. ‘Sorry, what was that Skull?’

‘Forging a nickname through adventure takes time, and back in the 70’s you could knock, one, maybe two out a day, to a grainy black and white image on the telly, plenty of time left to run around. These days with 4K HD streaming, kids are lucky to leave their rooms, well I would be anyway.’

As Skull continued his diatribe about masturbation, we slowly left the room. At the end of the day, Jacko isn’t that bad, compared to when Chips Rafferty was shot trying to escape from Ol’ Bill’s junkyard.