‘Gee, that’s a bit much, hey?’ said Eva Moloney (23), the three-week girlfriend of Brandon Martin (25), as he presented her with three bouquets of flowers, three handwritten poems, three blocks of chocolate, and three flights to Fiji on Valentine’s Day.
Why three flights? Well, to celebrate three weeks together, of course.
Who will take the third ticket? According to Brandon, ‘love.’
As happy as Eva has been over the last three weeks, she hasn’t been placing an absurd amount of thought into her burgeoning relationship with Brandon. For one, her job as an accounts receivable clerk with Brisbane financial services firm, Cumm & Flam, has really been heating up.
And for two, it’s literally been three weeks. Mild constipation can sometimes last longer.
But unfortunately for Eva, her blissful existence in the fog of a relaxed, early relationship was cruelly shattered by Brandon truly overcooking it on the 14th of February. She had been expecting a nice dinner together, maybe a card, but even then that could have been pushing it.
Yet this incredible overkill is probably pretty indicative of some fundamental differences between Brandon and Eva. Her blank face as Brandon presented the fruits of his romantic labour indicated as much.
‘Fuck you, St Valentine,’ Brandon grumbled to himself as he realised the gravity of his mistake, before noticing the string quartet he’d hired to play Elvis’ classic ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ out of the corner of his eye.
‘Get out, get out, you’re not needed,’ he hissed, desperately trying to ensure Eva saw neither the quartet, nor the skywriting which boldly painted the blue Brisbane sky with the sickeningly sweet words of ‘Eva + Brandon 3ever.’
Normally, Brandon could resolve conflict by doing nice things. But this might just add to the problem. As this bloke has stuck his foot in it, and Eva is grappling with dating a creep, it’s times like these you remember just how important quality independent journalism is to freedom of thought.
The Obiter, however, is neither quality, independent, or journalism, so we get a free pass.
More to come, if we want.