The criminal trial process can be lengthy and distressing, and even for those convicted of an offence, the sentencing process is a murky quagmire of myriad mitigating factors and conflicting consideration.
With that in mind, the High Court of Australia has today made a brilliant step forward for the efficiency of the justice system, ruling that where prominent media or sporting figures have been found guilty of violent offices, they will simply be ‘cancelled’ by the public.
In a move set to save an extraordinary amount of time and money, public condemnation through rigorous process known formally as ‘Cancelling Your Faves,’ will supercede jail sentences, but only for the super-wealthy and uber-well-known.
After all, if sex offender Mark Bojangles (name changed for this article) gets cancelled, it’s no loss for him. But three months of public condemnation is definitely a far worse fate for Craig McLachlan to suffer than five years in prison.
‘It’s just easier this way,’ confirmed the judgment in the case of R v Famous Comedian/Musician/Politician, wherein the court held a prominent figure being ‘cancelled’ was sufficient punishment, and there was ‘really no need for a jail sentence when you think about it. Hasn’t Geoffrey Rush been through enough?’
Whilst some corners of the law have criticised the decision as ignoring the central tenets of criminal justice, others have applauded the decision.
‘I think it’s just brilliant,’ said Simon Le Bon, lead singer of Duran Duran and identified passenger on Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘Lolita Express.’
‘Why should we have to go to jail for a crime someone else figured out we did? I’d rather submit to the guillotine-style execution of minor Twitter celebrities telling me they don’t stan me any more.’
‘Like, ooh, the horror, @Jimbo_Bobbits doesn’t ‘stan’ me any more.’
This development in the field of extracurial punishment may create a perverse incentive for offenders to maximise their fame, wealth, and influence, before committing horrific sex crimes. However, one can also argue that has been the status quo of the last few thousand years.
Lots to mull over in front of the fire, with a glass of whiskey by your side, and a copy of 12 Rules For Life in your sweaty palms!
No more to come.