On Tuesday morning, students studying on Level 4 of the Walter Harrison Law Library found themselves deprived of a bathroom after a small printed notice, tied to a Wet Floor sign, read that the facilities were for ‘Staff and Disabled Use Only’ and that students were to use the alternative Level 2 and 3 options when relieving themselves of ramen and Mother.

The TC Beirne School of Law released a statement on their website to explain the new restriction.

“The life of an academic can be stressful,” the statement read. “Between one lecture each week and not reading our T-Vals, it can be hard to find any time to relax.

“That’s why, at least once a fortnight, the staff of TCB like to gather as a group, unwind and hold a massive orgy in the Level 4 bathrooms. The orgies are a great way for us to take 4-5 hours to come together as an academic community and just go absolutely freaking berserk on each other.

“This last semester, staff have frequently had our passionate rodeos of intellect and skin interrupted by students. As a school, TCB has an open-door policy, hence why we never lock the door during our bonk sessions. But students have abused our generosity by using these bathrooms and disturbing our ecstasy of lust with their loud screams of “HOLY FUCK!” and “WHAT THE SHIT?”

“We spend our day teaching, so it is only appropriate that we spend our nights learning. Learning about pleasure. Learning about sense. Learning about each other, and in turn ourselves.

To summarise, if any grubby little Arts students ever steps another sandal into our fortnightly lick lectures we will burn this fucking Library to the ground. We are mammals and this Level 4 bathroom is our Discovery Channel. We will not be disturbed during our physical Contact Hours again.”

Students are reportedly relocating their orgies to the Moot Court.