The Walter Harrison Law Library has reported its first death of the week, following a recent pattern of gruesome ends for students visiting the library’s bathroom facilities.
First year student, and serial sweater, Ari Biggson, was today subjected to the relatively stressful reality that his head had been cleanly removed from his shoulders, after attempting to dry his neck under the Dyson Airblade in the Level 2 Law Library bathroom.
“Ari was running up the stairs, because he was late for a seminar, and the exercise, in addition to his nerves about the seminar content, contributed to a pretty heavy flow of neck sweat,” Ari’s girlfriend/pre-widow Samantha Quincy told The Obiter through tears. “He told me he was just popping off to dry his neck before class. I thought he meant with towels.” Samantha quivers.
“I thought he meant towels.”
Paramedics were quick to the scene, but got caught up talking to a guy they hadn’t seen since Year 12 on the Great Court. Once they managed to shake the lurker, it was too late.
“From what we can see, the deceased stuck his neck under the Dyson Airblade,” said head Paramedic Susan Bulance. “Probably not the best strategy, as those things pack some heat. In fact, with that amount of force they issue, we in the paramedical field are required to refer to the Dyson Airblade by their technical name: planes.”
Dyson issued a short statement on the tragedy, claiming, “…at least the boy died dry. It’s more than many of us could ever ask for.”
Rest In Peace, you dry, dead boy.