First-Year Genuinely Considers Dropping Out After Calling Tutor ‘Sir’

Nick Holmes, enthusiastic first-year, and graduate of the esteemed St. Jamie’s College, Strathpine, has decided to talk to an academic advisor about dropping out after calling his economics tutor ‘Sir.’

Nick walked into his second week of university full of hope and excitement, and promptly made his way to his ECON1010 tutorial, one hand on a steaming cup of Merlo’s coffee, and the other in his pocket, making sure his Apple Music playlist ‘Get Motivated!’ was playing. With Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ ringing in his ears, Nick stepped into the Michie Building, and queued up outside class – he was fifteen minutes early, as requested by the ECON1010 study guide.

Leaked text messages from Nick’s phone show him texting his girlfriend, Clarissa, stating he was ‘keen to work on some supply and demand.’ He also texted his group chat of male friends, ‘Jamie’s Boyz,’ asking if ‘anyone wanted a coffee later.’ By all accounts, Nick was happy and content. But that was about to change.

Ten minutes into the tute, Nick found himself confused by a graph explaining production outputs. He raised his hand to ask his tutor, 21-year-old fifth-year, Marcus Sambora, for clarification.

“Sir?”

Marcus stopped speaking in shock, and looked at Nick. The classroom went still. Nick’s cheeks grew red, as the first-years looked on in horror. Marcus summoned his courage, and replied.

“There’s no need to call me sir, mate. I’m just a few years older than you! Marcus is fine.”

With those fateful words, Marcus struck a harsh blow upon Nick’s shoulders. Tears streaming down his crimson cheeks, Nick stormed out, shouting “Sir! Sir! What the fuck is wrong with you, Nicky! SIR?!” Reports indicate he stormed into the office of an academic advisor, barged down the door, and began to sob underneath the advisor’s desk.

Nick has not been sighted since. His concerned girlfriend has established a hotline for any information regarding his whereabouts; she has also established the “Fucking Idiot Foundation” to educate first-years about appropriate terminology to call tutors. Don’t make the mistake Nick did. Don’t do a ‘Sir.’