Suck on that Greta Thunberg.

Environmental activists everywhere have been taken by surprise to learn that their beloved metal straws are actually one of the most damaging things for turtles to chow down on, second only Coles re-usable shopping bags. The CSIRO report concluded that despite their aesthetic appeal, these little metal weapons do an even better job at getting stuck up turtle’s nostrils than straws of the plastic variety.

The report also advised that they’re pretty fucking pointless anyway considering that you could just drink fluids with your mouth…or with your shoe if you’re that guy.

Local loggerhead sea turtle, Lachlan, spoke with the Obiter today upon finding himself washed up on Nudgee Beach.

“I am just grateful that the scientific community have finally woken up to our plight. At least plastic straws tasted good. Metal straws just taste like Mint Patties.”

Turtles everywhere have rioting en masse at this deliberate attempt by the loony left to kill off what little is left of their species.

More to come.