The Victorian Police Force recently came under criticism for their responses to systemic violence against women, and in particular, sexual violence.

In response to these criticisms, Chief Commissioner Graham Ashton has released a bold new technique for the prevention of sexual violence, encouraging women to ‘stop, drop, and roll’ if they are under attack.

‘We felt that, ultimately, a rapist is no different from a fire, and thus should be treated with the same strategy,’ said Ashton, possibly revealing his lack of awareness regarding the issue of sexual violence.

‘At the end of the day, no one can be touched if they continue to roll. Rolling out of danger has long been taught at the Victorian Police Academy as a strategy to avoid violent criminals, and we now offer that incisive knowledge to the public at large.’

Ignoring the greater societal reckoning with the relationship between toxic masculinity and violence against women, the Victorian Police Force has also requested women minimize the time they spend on the street, for fear of being attacked by a stranger, but also limit the time they spend at home, for fear of intimate partner violence.

Reckoning with this Gordian knot, it seems the police have truly decided to double down on the stop, drop, and roll strategy.

Job well done, boys!