Cricket Australia yesterday announced the sanctions that they will impose on the trio involved in the ball tampering scandal that has consumed the cricketing world.

Steve Smith will face a 12-month ban from all international and domestic cricket. Cameron Bancroft will face a 9-month ban, demonstrating his patsy role in the scandal. David Warner, former Vice-Captain, has been sentenced to death.

“Obviously this incident involves varying magnitudes of wrongdoing,” Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland said when he addressed the media yesterday.

“Cameron was led along, and Steve did nothing to stop the plot. Both of them misled the press and the public. However, David developed the plot and even showed Cameron how to tamper a ball. For that, David’s punishment had to be slightly more severe. Having David escorted to the 19th century American frontier where the townsfolk would gather as he spat vitriolic last words before being left to hang by the neck until dead seemed like a reasonable way to go about it.”

Many in the cricketing community have acknowledged that while they do believe Warner’s wrongdoing to be more serious, having him walk a plank of wood into the stormy sea from the deck of the Black Pearl seemed like a disproportionate response.

Shane Warne was particularly surprised. “When I heard that James Sutherland planned to stage a live re-enactment of The Green Mile starring David Warner at the WACA, I began to ask myself whether the punishment fit the crime.”

CA Head of Integrity Iain Roy also confirmed that Warner would not be considered for future leadership roles upon the conclusion of his punishment. “I can’t remember the last time a deceased person successfully led an international cricket team, so a return to that role did not seem tenable.”

At press time, Warner was seen dragging a cross through Jerusalem shouting, “Darren, why have you forsaken me?” More to come.