Taking a break on commenting on toothpaste or bowel-assisting vitamins, nine out of ten doctors have today suggested they are pretty frustrated by a growing number of apples who ‘hate doctors.’

‘In a sense, these delicious red and/or green fruits want to ‘keep us away.’ It’s a very odd rationale for fruit, for whom we have always been great supporters,’ said Dr. Stephen Groves, Vice-President of the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners.

Throughout history, doctors and apples have enjoyed a somewhat-tense relationship, although those in the medical community argue they have never intentionally tried to stay away from apples.

However, it does appear to be a pretty fucking big coincidence that, for those who enjoy an apple a day or greater, doctors seem fairly deadset on staying away.

No official statement from the apple community has been released. Nevertheless, a rogue Pink Lady, skin dripping with an air of unbridled arrogance that comes from a sexy nickname like ‘Pink Lady’ (particularly when your real name is Malus domestica).

The Pink Lady suggested ‘Doctors across Australia should be careful… they’ve always tried to stay away from us, but what might happen if we bring the fight to them? Watch yourself, is all I’m saying.’

Trouble brewing. We’ll dispatch a second reporter to investigate.