TC Alfred? Please. Try TC Beirne (School of Law)

UQ law students reportedly ‘not phased’ amongst the aftermath of the category 2 cyclone. Why would they be? They’re already weathering the hardest storm known to man: an LLB(Hons) at UQ.

“Just another day in the life!” is the resounding sentiment echoing throughout the hallowed halls of the Walter Harrison Law Library.

This Alfred palava has revealed that, apparently, going multiple days – with survival dependant on non-perishables, little water, and low lighting – is scary for most Brisbanites. Thankfully, a small group of adequately climatised individuals made themselves known to the Queensland Premier, David Crisifulli-of shit. UQ law students stepped out of the shadows (literally – can someone please install suitable overhead lighting on Level 4) to speak at multiple press-conferences, providing some very constructive advice on surviving a cyclone.

“Yeah, see, unlike you suckers, we’ve been dealing with a TC for years now. TC Beirne. Category 6. Never heard of one of those, hey? Yeah. Didn’t think so.”

“TC Beirne is our normal. This Alfred chump was, excuse the pun, like a breath of fresh air!”

“You SEQ-ers get so riled up about cyclones. You should see what it’s like up in Cairns, or during the Torts I mid-semester take home!”

One UQ law student explained how she was very used to TCs – given Beirne, of course, but also because all the skinny rich popular girls and rowing blokes from her school are in her seminars.

Unsurprisingly, Brisbane got through Alfred. But not without the valiant leadership, and notorious humility of UQ law students. Who knew knocking down a few Red Bulls, talking shit, and getting nothing of note completed could get you to the other side of TC!

Etsy Website Literally Crashes After ‘Flood’ Of Cyclone-Induced DIY Craft Projects

Reminiscent of the ‘Covid Crafting Craze of ‘20’ when faced with adversity Gen Z reached for crochet hooks and watercolour paints.

Brisbane has been left reeling after another flood, but not the one you might be thinking of.

In the latest in a series of outages, from power to the stock of toilet paper at all supermarkets within a 100-kilometre radius, popular e-commerce website Etsy is the latest victim of ex-Cyclone Alfred’s tediously drawn-out wrath.

Etsy, best known for its handmade trinkets and craft projects, went dark this morning thanks to an unprecedented influx of amateur art projects uploaded to the site. Wonky knitted scarves, lopsided crochet bucket hats, and paintings tagged as “abstract” (which we understand to be code for “astoundingly average”) were uploaded in their thousands. A representative from Etsy remarked that not since the first Covid-19 lockdown had they seen website traffic like this.

The Obiter’s economic analysts enlisted a team of Anthropology doctoral candidates from The University of Queensland to make sense of this bizarre but increasingly correlative relationship between crises and crafting.

“We’ve observed this trend becoming gradually more pervasive in adults responding to public emergencies” explained anthropologist Homer Sapien. “Our theory is young adults who spent formative years consuming hours of ‘LaurDIY’ and ‘5 Minute Crafts’ videos have developed subconscious neurobiological instincts to do arts and craft in times of great distress, as a means of mental self-preservation. Not to mention, carefully curated Instagram stories featuring half-painted canvases and homemade Aperols give them the dopamine hits they’re missing while the pubs and clubs are shut.”

“So rather than traditional survival instincts where one might be compelled to gather food, medicine and batteries, our Gen Z colleagues instead feel a strong urge to forage for glitter glue and 2-for-1 yarn at Spotlight.”

Whilst this story might seem light-hearted on its face, the anthropologists expressed some concerns for the future of humankind if these patterns do represent a genuine shift in biological survival instincts. “I’m not sure how well these young people will fare if all they’ve gathered is overpriced acrylic paints instead of…y’know…food? Let’s just hope their crafting plans include macaroni art, then at least they’ll have some dry pasta to munch on.”

Deep stuff.

Mate in Edinburgh on six-month exchange marks themself as ‘safe’ from TC Alfred on FB

Posting between pints at the local pub, Jamie Jeans felt proud that she had the insight to let her community know she is, in fact, sheltered from the tragic effects of the tropical cyclone occurring in a completely different hemisphere. 

‘Some people might not be aware I’m overseas. This way, there’s absolutely no ambiguity’, she explained to her new friends from abroad. 

‘Give me a fucking break, it’s so insensitive’, a source close to the ex-pat told the Obiter. ‘I haven’t had phone battery for 48 hours. I finally open Facebook and it’s the first thing I see. Tone deaf bitch’. 

‘I actually haven’t spoken to her since she left, she’s not answering my calls’, remarked mother Jean Jeans. ‘In a way it’s been positive, at least we know she’s alive’.

In an exclusive interview with Ms Jeans, The Obiter asked her what message she had for her homeland of South East Queensland in these trying times. ‘I love a sunburnt country. A land of sweeping plains, Of ragged mountain ranges, Of droughts and flooding rains.’ 

The Obiter then asked Ms Jeans whether she had any of her own words she wished to share that weren’t those of the late Australian poet, Dorothea Mackellar. 

She said that ultimately, she had some pretty intense FOMO, but emphasised that ‘every dark cyclonic cloud has a silver lining’. ‘I mean, I’m here drinking Guinness, pashing hot Scotsman and living my best life. I have to, out of solidarity for my friends and family back home’. 

Give us a fucking break.

BREAKING UPDATE: Cyclone Alfred actually IS Local Woman's Ex

ALL BARK AND NO BITE: After an all too familiar weeklong episode of performance anxiety, Cyclone Alfred has up and ghosted us after getting us only ever so slightly wet.

***

 All of Brisbane has been left woefully unimpressed after Cyclone Alfred failed to climax last night, having now been demoted to a measly ‘tropical low’ by the bureau of Meteorology.

 Like many a Brisbane ex-situationship, Alfred has been spotted on the beach at the Sunshine Coast, ghosting all of us after last night’s poor performance.

CEO and Director of Meteorology Andrew Johnson has stated that after “edging us all week,” Alfred supposedly came overnight, and yet this morning is absent from Brisbane. Residents are reportedly frustrated by Mr Johnson, asking why he put us on with Alfred, when any other tropical storm would have likely had a better performance, and potentially even a second date. Skeptics have claimed that Mr Johnson was doing a favour for Alfred, who seemingly gets no play.

 To add to the frustration of many, Alfred has somehow not only managed to cancel International Womens Day for all of Brisbane, while still being notably absent on the day of the event.

 While still causing relatively severe damage to Queensland coast, it seems as though what we were promised in DMs was seemingly all talk.

What’s new?

Cyclone Alfred kinda reminds Local Woman of her Ex

But there’s one key difference: Cyclone Alfred will actually come. 

As South-East Queensland comes to terms with Cyclone Alfred being set to thundercunt Brisbane, Lily (22) has suffered her own additional damage from the cyclone; the reminder of her ex, Alfred (23). The bright and sunny start to the week referenced the initial hope and optimism from Lily that her new relationship with Alfred would be . The harsh reality of the relationship was just like how the weather in Brisbane would turn towards at the end of the week; dark, stormy, and moody.

“This cyclone won’t be the most destructive thing called Alfred” chuckled Lily as the cyclone drew nearer.  The gale-force winds and rainfall could not compare to the emotional damage she endured as she discovered her ex cheating on her with Samantha. The loud winds and rains echoed Alfred’s loud begging to Lily that this ‘wasn’t what it seemed,’ almost as if they were teasing her of that fateful day. And the darkened and colourless sky reflected the complete lack of flavour and charisma between Lily and Alfred. It reminded her that the relationship would have never worked out, and that it was time to move on. Cyclone Alfred would wreak havoc for many people, but for Lily, it finally provided closure.

The Obiter is hopeful that Cyclone Alfred won’t be anywhere near as horrific as Lily’s Alfred.

Stock Up on Diet Coke and Charge Your Vibrators! Gen Z Sharehouses Are Preparing for The Worst

With uni classes now cancelled for the week, 20-year-old share house dwellers are making use of their extra time to hunt and gather the absolute essentials in preparation for Cyclone Alfred.

 Emily [20] was spotted scaling the drinks aisle at Coles for the last remaining 4-pack of sugar-free Redbull, putting skills from her weekly rock-climbing classes to good use.

 Emily claimed she was “providing for her family” as her girlfriend has moved in with her for the week. Apparently, the thought of being trapped at home with her parents was “almost as unbearable as Adrien Brody’s Oscars speech”.

 Her girlfriend was reported close-by in the dairy section, ransacking the Meredith Dairy goat’s cheese, despite earning minimum wage.

 “If I’m going to fucking die in a cyclone I deserve to go out with the thing I love the most!” She was not referring to her girlfriend, Emily.

 Back at the Queenslander, Emily’s roommate, whose name is coincidentally also Emily, has begun to hoard the portable chargers, gearing up for a black out. “I need my phone charged for the new episode of ‘White Lotus’!” Emily is most worried that she’ll have to actually have to make conversation her roommate if they get flooded in.

 Her empty kitchen cupboards and lack of toilet paper also seem to be of no bother to her, compared to the stress that she’s running low on her Olaplex No. 4 shampoo. “Usually, a bottle would last me a month, but since moving in with Emily, they only last three weeks!” Emily suspects foul play. We suspect greasy hair.

 Tensions are mounting. Shelves are empty. Cyclones are brewing. Stay tuned for more!

‘Maybe Life is Worth Living Again!’, thinks Woman after First Sip of Iced Caramel Latte on Oat

“I probably don’t need to see my psychologist anymore.”

After paying $11.75 for a medium iced caramel latte on oat milk, Sue Flay (24), suddenly felt a new zest for life after consuming her “treat for the week.”

Overwhelmed with her demanding 9-5 job, meeting last week’s rent and the overall uncertainty of our global political climate, Flay’s worries have seemingly vanished after taking a single sip of her iced beverage.

This comes after a particularly hard week for Flay, whose Euro summer dreams were shattered after taking a peek at her HECS debt of $39,496. The drink, however, has somehow deluded her into thinking she can afford spending $6000 for a trip to Italy.

“This latte has really reignited something in me,” says Flay after tossing her (supposedly) biodegradable plastic cup in the recycling bin. “I actually think life is really beautiful!”

When asked about the exorbitant price of her latte, Flay simply brushed it off.

“You just have to look at it in a girl maths lens. It’s basically an investment in my productivity and happiness.”

This appears to contradict the scientific evidence which shows that caffeine – a stimulant like the drug methamphetamine – can lead to increased levels of anxiety, nervousness and sleeplessness.

For now, though, Flay seems to revel in her newfound optimism.

Hyrox: What to do when you are mediocre at a lot of different things

With the spelling almost as confusing as the exercises.

In what can only be described as Gen-Z’s answer to a Triathlon, Hyrox has now provided young people with more than three sports to be average at. 

Particularly being a sport not too dissimilar to a doom-scroll, there’s no surprise that doing multiple repetitive things, for multiple seconds, and until a point of existential pain, seems to be a popular idea with the kids!

 What is Hyrox? 

 The Obiter’s research team can confirm the origin of Hyrox is unknown, however last weekend was the first time everyone bloody heard about it. 

 We understand Hyrox is likely a by-product of a quarter-life-crisis, and possibly serves as another excuse beyond run-club for blokes to take off their shirts and meet like-minded corporate drones. 

 How can I compete? 

 The Obiter understands Hyrox to be some sort of cult. Therefore to compete in Hyrox requires the following: 

a.              an oath to isolate yourself from your family and friends; 

b.              a human sacrifice; and 

c.              your first born child. 

What do I do to complete a Hyrox competition ?

To complete a Hyrox competition, and subsequently receive eternally validation, you must undertake the following activities: 

a.              post a minimum of three instagram stories; 

b.              wear lululemon activewear; 

c.              post a mirror selfie with you in your lululemon activewear holding an iced matcha; and 

d.              live in West-end. 

What benefits do I get from doing Hyrox?

 After you have completed Hyrox, in addition to tricking your friends that you are athletic, you will get the following benefits: 

a.              the chance to jump in a hypothermic ice-bath simulating the Titanic waters for 10 minutes after you compete; 

b.              an urge to register for the ‘Bridge to Brisbane’; 

c.              a new personality; and

d.              other health benefits including being really good at jumping on a box and doing animal crawls. 

Disgraced Prime-Time Radio Presenter Announces “I’m Starting a Podcast”

Days after his swift termination from REDACTED radio station, Farty Smearsilver announces a career shift into podcasting, in a move literally everyone saw coming.

Presenter Farty Smearsilver was axed from his prime-time radio slot on Wednesday, after a completely unprovoked misogynistic tirade aimed at Australia’s beloved women’s football team sparked nationwide outrage and demands for his immediate dismissal. 

After a brief stint in the hospital (believed to have been treating self-inflicted puncture wounds to his genitals), Smearsilver announced a career shift so unsurprising it might well be lifted directly from the ‘Disgraced Public Figure’s Guide to Clinging to an Ounce of Relevancy’: he’s starting his own podcast. 

Smearsilver announced his new podcast “The Farty Smearsilver Show: The Podcast”, a title cleverly aimed at the intelligence level of people who would voluntarily subject themselves to an hour of his stream-of-consciousness musings thrice weekly. As the newest addition to the ‘Shit Bloke Turned Man With A Podcast™ Club’, he joins the likes of Joe Rogan, the Paul brothers, and those indistinguishable moustached and mullet-ed Aussie podcasting duos; men who believe possession of an armchair and a free-standing mic entitles the world to their unsolicited opinions. 

“I think this new format will be perfect for me” remarked Farty. “It’s just like radio except I can say whatever I want with absolutely no repercussions. Plus, there’s no woke DEI intern getting on my case when I accidentally use the occasional swear word or racial slur. Genuinely I can say whatever I want now, look! ****! ******* ****! Mother****ing **** ****!” 

In an effort to drum up publicity for his new show, Smearsilver has teased the topic for his inaugural episode: “Why the exclusion of transgender women is essential to protect the integrity of women’s sport.”

Law Student Complains of Failed ‘Brat Summer’, Despite Voluntarily Partaking in 12 Weeks of Clerkships

“It’s a knife when you’re finally on top” laments summer clerk, as she begins to realise that, despite her love for Charli XCX’s magnum opus record, she couldn’t be further from a 365 partygirl.

 Much like the fashionableness of the phrase ‘brat summer’, the Uni holidays are well and truly dead.

While half of Brisbane seemingly mass coordinated a getaway to Japan, a select cohort of pre-penultimate year law students opted for the time-honoured tradition of summer clerkships. Uninterested in rest or relaxation, these aspiring young professionals chose to spend their summers working full-time in a windowless cubicle, vying for the chance to spend the rest of their lives working in a slightly larger windowless cubicle.

 The Obiter interviewed UQ student Olivia Riddles, who partook in not one, not two, but three summer clerkships at top-tier law firms. When asked how she enjoyed her summer break, Olivia admitted her surprise and disappointment that she didn’t have the ‘brat summer’ of her dreams.

 Instead of ‘leather tanned skin’, she was left with the sallow complexion characteristic of those who only see sunlight for 20 days of annual leave per year. She also reflected that it’s hard to ‘fall in love again and again’ when the only romance you have time for is a late-night doom-scroll on Hinge.

 What’s more, to her dismay no one at the Christmas party wanted to do lines in the bathroom with a summer clerk (that’s strictly reserved for people with a practicing certificate). “As a clerk, the only ‘bumpin’ that’ you’re doing is bumping into your supervising partner in the lift and having to make excruciatingly awkward small talk, or bumping into the special counsel on the way back from her silent bathroom cry.”

 At least she had the chance to end the holidays on a high watching Charli XCX’s performance at Laneway Festival, although even that experience was tainted with melancholy for Olivia. “It just made me feel like a fraud if I’m honest” Oliva admitted with a sigh. “I don’t think real 365 partygirls subscribe to LinkedIn Premium.”