The nation’s most opportunistic drug dealers have been dealt an enormous blow this week, along with the sugar cane industry, as it was recently announced that popular music festival, Splendour In The Grass, has been cancelled.
Whilst often touted as a celebration of ‘music and life,’ for many young Australians, Splendour is a celebration of seeing if you can survive off five caps, four beers, a Dagwood Dog, and a bottle of water across the whole weekend.
And with such an event brings enormous prospects for the nation’s most clever drug dealers, as they universally realise that 19-year-olds aren’t that good at telling the difference between a cap filled with 100mg of pure crystal MDMA, and one filled with just like, a bit of sugar. Or maybe salt.
‘Yeah, they’re fucking hopeless at it,’ revealed Spike, a drug dealer speaking to The Obiter behind a cloak of anonymity (his real name is Mike Fielding).
For most of the year, ‘sugar cap’ simply refers to what your weird barista calls your cappucino with one sugar in it. But around Splendour, it becomes a powerful rallying cry for dealers who love nothing more than watching 20-year-olds have a few teaspoons of sugar, pretend to gurn, lose their mind to Tame Impala, and wake up the next day saying their jaw was ‘in a different postcode brah, haha.’
‘It’s the best time of the year,’ continued Spike, in his tell-all interview where he definitely also sold us some acid that was just tie-dyed newspaper.
‘We can shift literally thousands of sugar caps. And they can never tell the difference. Once I just sold an empty cap to this Churchie guy, and told him the purest shit was always invisible. He bought it!’
Similarly excited are local mushroom producers who have a rare opportunity to sell their wares to Australia’s most overexcitable youth. Whilst porcini mushrooms are largely just used to make a killer omelette with some pecorino romano and sauteed spinach, around Splendour, they become a potent weapon in the ‘Lmao, Tell Them They’re Magic Mushrooms’ campaign.
However, with Splendour’s cancellation, these unfortunate folk will have to take their shithouse gear elsewhere. Reportedly, warehouses full of baby powder, sugar, and cut glass are being shut down and turned into childcare centres.
Vaguely disturbing.
No more to Krum.