As news broke yesterday of Splendour In The Grass’ cancellation, thousands of youth across the country began to think that maybe the COVID-19 pandemic is a little more serious than initially thought.

Coming out of an alcoholic stupor is never easy, particularly when accompanied by the news of Splendour’s closing. But such a fate awaited Gold Coast local Trent Darcen (22) yesterday morning, as his beers-and-nose-beers-ridden weekend gave way to the depressing weekday reality that Splendour is shitcanned.

And whilst Trent has been overheard telling ‘panicked city boys’ at the local RSL that they look like ‘fucking wankers’ for using hand sanitiser while they play the pokies, this may be the move he needs to start reading the news.

‘After all, if they can cancel Splendour, what else could they cancel? The footy?’ suggested Trent, before we calmly had to pull him aside to explain that football games will likely be played behind the closed doors.

‘They fucking what?!’ he exploded, before we managed to calm him down with a matcha latte. It seems that the catalyst for Trent’s appreciation of current affairs has been the Splendour cancellation, as he is now rapidly informing us that the Federal Government’s social distancing measures are insufficient to flatten the curve given that testing only ever gives an accurate picture of infection rates two weeks ago.

What a turnaround.

Trent is evidently not the only chap disappointed about the Splendour cancellation, as Australia’s top drug dealers are now wondering what to do with their 30 000 sugar caps and 400kg of ‘magic’ mushrooms (actually just from Coles) on that fateful weekend in July.

Godspeed, gentlemen. At the end of the day, if you were just going to Splendour to get fucked up at a campground with everyone you knew in high school four years ago, you might as well just drink yourself into a state on your living room couch, passing out at 2pm, and only waking up at 8pm to have a half-assed wank and eat a single slice of pizza.

Plenty more to come!