“Jeez you guys take this way too seriously”, quipped Marcus ‘Bevo’ Adams as he spear tackled the opponent’s left wingers’ 11-year-old daughter into the AstroTurf on field 3.

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Say what you want about Bevo, but there’s one universally acknowledged truth about the burly 24-year-old bartender: he ain’t take nothin too seriously. He’s a chill bloke. Criminally chill. A serial chiller if you will. His step-mum agrees. She’s a florist. Nice lady. Her parole officer’s also chill.

So as Bevo drove into uni on a hot spring Sunday afternoon to play his weekly game of 7-a-side social footy, Enimem’s “Mom’s Spaghetti” blasting through the speakers of his Toyota Corolla, he thought the match would naturally just be another chill day at the office. Bevo stood corrected.

He knew from the outset of the game that his beloved team, ‘The Boys United’, were up against a nasty outfit today. They just looked like a “bunch of dickheads”. He could just tell. Bevo’s always had that sort of instinct.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”, Bevo wailed, as the opposition’s striker tackled him cleanly with ease, before dribbling past him and smashing the ball into the top corner, about 30 metres from where Bevo now stood.

“Fuck, sorry boys, I’m gassed” Bevo conceded, as he rushed back to the sidelines at the third minute mark of the contest.

“Don’t worry boys, they’re a fuckin dirty team”, Bevo surmised during his half-time address, his teammates begrudgingly nodding in approval, all quietly thinking that they actually seemed like an alright bunch of blokes and actually their own team just wasn’t very good.

As the game came to his inevitable conclusion, ‘The Boys United’ trailing six goals to one, Bevo couldn’t help himself but remind his opposite numbers that it was “ONLY SOCIAL [soccer], you grubs”.

Naturally, Bevo then charged to the opposition’s bench and spear tackled the left wingers’ 11-year-old daughter into the AstroTurf on field 3, as she peacefully attempted to complete her geography homework.

We look forward to hearing more from Bevo when he attempts to bounce the fuck out of his 8-year-old cousin in the yearly backyard boxing day test match.

Until next week, no more to come.