Unfortunately for David Humprey (17), his expectation that he will begin attending biweekly orgies in the proceeding months will not come to fruition, with his Velcro wallet and Logitech corded mouse set to earn him little female attention.

As a keen debater and member of the Doctor Who Club at an all-boys GPS private school, David, regrettably, hasn’t been able to hold a conversation with a female since his Year 5 Graduation at St Blues Primary School (excluding the excruciating 3 hours he spent with his formal date – the daughter of his Mum’s Book Club friend). Despite this, David, a proud and frequent user of the word ‘yeet’, is truly convinced that his inner Chad will rise to the foreground in 2021.

‘Lock up your daughters!’ he cheered to himself as he profusely sprayed Lynx Africa onto his nether region before heading to his first tute of the year, earnestly believing that he would transform into a sexual deviant in his first year at uni.

But it has to be said that things haven’t gotten off to a great start for David as, to his shock and confusion, not a single female at Max’s 18th became aroused at the fact that he packed Messi on FIFA Ultimate Team earlier that day. Although slightly thrown by this bizarre turn of events, David soon recovered from this stumble by whipping out Cards Against Humanity from his old school PE bag and showing off his Avocado socks to all the ladies.

None to cum