Valid excuses for why you should NOT get a ticket to the Comedy Debate

Trick question: there are none, you slacker! 

Actually, there are a couple of excuses that may be valid on a case-by-case basis:

1. Hospital emergency

2. Probably any other emergency 

3. Dentist appointment 

4. Dog ate your homework 

5. You’re performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival Gala 

6. You would have loved to come but just during work today you started to get a sore throat and probably it’s best you rest tonight as you think you might be sick, but you’re keen to catch up sometime soon and so sorry for the last minute bail, but let’s grab lunch next week at work if you’re around and so sorry again because it would’ve been great to catch-up tonight 

7. Cyclone Alfred 

8. You’re going to Heathrow airport to run through security and say goodbye to your one true love because she is going to America 

9. Covid-19 


 If none of the above applies to you, get a ticket mate!

Year 7 Debater fired into the sun after going five seconds overtime

“Ding, ding, BOOM!”

 The rules were simple:

“Speakers will speak for four minutes, with a warning bell at 3 minutes, a double bell at 4 minutes, and an inter-continental ballistic missile firing them into the sun at 4 minutes 30 seconds if they fucking dare to speak overtime”.

But for first time debater Edward Johnston, 11, it was a step too far.

So caught up was he in his third affirmative speech, rattling through all the fundamental flaws in his opponents’ arguments, that he didn’t heed to warning of the first bell.

By the time the double bell sounded, he still had 2 palm cards left, and an entire summary of his team’s case.

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Edward sped through his points, but just as he got to his final sentence there was a rude interruption.

“For all these reasons, we are so proud to prop-” BOOM! The timekeeper, 10 year old Sarah Thomas, pressed the big red button on the timekeeper’s desk, sending Edward hurtling through the roof, out of the Earth’s atmosphere, and into the sun where he promptly died.

Onlookers were stunned, but Sarah only had six words to appease the shocked masses: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

More to come.

​​Waiting for Coffee Outside Merlo starting to feel like Claiming Baggage at Airport

The ‘I cannot walk in a straight line’ syndrome has finally broken out across UQ’s St Lucia campus, worse than ever before.

John Walkright (21) has told Obiter journalists that this past Monday was the “worst of his life.” According to Walkright, university students all over St Lucia have decided that 2025 is the year during which first and fifth year students alike have given themselves a free pass to neglect both driving rules and concepts of spatial awareness.

Walkright’s troubles really began during the Cyclone Alfred lockdown, as he waltzed into Coles to grab his weekly helping of Marvellous Creations and a bag of grapes. An anxious customer had run over his foot with a trolley filled with toilet paper and six hundred cans of baked beans. Whilst he admits the bandage ruins his nonchalant Birkenstock-boy sorta vibe, Walkright was still keen to return to uni this week.

At approximately 7:50am on Monday morning, accelerating to the average pace of 67km/h down Fred Schonell drive, Walkright nearly rear ended two cars in front of him rolling along to the speed of 20km/h. He looked around for a road safety camera, but could find neither this nor clear signage with similar messaging to, ‘It’s okay to drive like an idiot today.’

Walkright’s troubles didn’t end here. As he patiently waited for his triple shot long black beside the wall of towering Merlo milk crates, he completely lost sight of the coffees being churned up to the dispensing counter.

“They’re just like pigeons, flocking around the counter right after they’ve ordered,” he told the Obiter. “I ended up with an eight ounce soy flat white today because two people stole my coffee. What soy flat white drinker is grabbing a long f**cking black?! It’s got to be the first years.”

His troubles not yet over, Walkright tried to exit a classroom during a tutorial break and walked right into someone entering class halfway through. He then performed what may have looked like a breakdance to passers-by – those steep law library stairs had sure proved to be a challenge as he tried to skirt someone walking up the right hand side, eyes glued to Block Blast on their phone.

Unsure when this epidemic of reduced common sense will end, Walkright has told the Obiter that if it happens again tomorrow, he may (accidentally) kick someone in the face.

TC Alfred? Please. Try TC Beirne (School of Law)

UQ law students reportedly ‘not phased’ amongst the aftermath of the category 2 cyclone. Why would they be? They’re already weathering the hardest storm known to man: an LLB(Hons) at UQ.

“Just another day in the life!” is the resounding sentiment echoing throughout the hallowed halls of the Walter Harrison Law Library.

This Alfred palava has revealed that, apparently, going multiple days – with survival dependant on non-perishables, little water, and low lighting – is scary for most Brisbanites. Thankfully, a small group of adequately climatised individuals made themselves known to the Queensland Premier, David Crisifulli-of shit. UQ law students stepped out of the shadows (literally – can someone please install suitable overhead lighting on Level 4) to speak at multiple press-conferences, providing some very constructive advice on surviving a cyclone.

“Yeah, see, unlike you suckers, we’ve been dealing with a TC for years now. TC Beirne. Category 6. Never heard of one of those, hey? Yeah. Didn’t think so.”

“TC Beirne is our normal. This Alfred chump was, excuse the pun, like a breath of fresh air!”

“You SEQ-ers get so riled up about cyclones. You should see what it’s like up in Cairns, or during the Torts I mid-semester take home!”

One UQ law student explained how she was very used to TCs – given Beirne, of course, but also because all the skinny rich popular girls and rowing blokes from her school are in her seminars.

Unsurprisingly, Brisbane got through Alfred. But not without the valiant leadership, and notorious humility of UQ law students. Who knew knocking down a few Red Bulls, talking shit, and getting nothing of note completed could get you to the other side of TC!

​​“I'll lock in this semester,” says student for 7th consecutive semester

Fourth year student, Elliott Trumpet is confident the all-time academic comeback is happening.

For as long as anyone can remember, Elliott’s uni marks have looked like the MCU post-Endgame: mediocre and dull. His sky-high top-of-the-class marks in primary school with his mastery of colouring-in skills, the alphabet and the 8 times table being all but a distant memory now. Only a husk of this academic potential remained. Until now.

“This is it!” Elliot triumphantly declared. “This is the semester the academic comeback is finally happening!” His consistent 4s and 5s, with the occasional 2s and 3s, will be transformed into 6s and 7s. His stunning transformation and change in attitude can already be seen by his attendance at the first lecture, when lectures (and often tutorials) were an event Elliot rarely attended (he hardly even watched them online online). If this didn’t confirm Elliot’s intention to ‘lock in’ this semester his participation in tutorial the next day certainly did. It was like Elliot was a whole different person.

When confronted by the fact he had declared he’ll ’lock in’ for 6 semesters previously, and had failed to lock in each time, Elliot simply stated that this time will be different. “I’m for real this time, I can feel it.” There would be no more missing lectures and tutorials, no more refusing to read the weekly readings, no more doing the assignment in one night, no more skimming through notes the day of the exam being the only revision he did the whole semester. This time, he was serious.

UPDATE: Three weeks in, Elliot has returned to his usual habits of not buying the textbook, dropping his fourth subject and deleting the Duo app.

Professor who managed a PhD in Legal Theory still confused by they/them pronouns

The Obiter has determined that the learning guide would be 100 pages shorter if only he realised he could just use ‘they’ instead of ‘he or she’.

Although they/them has been used as singular pronouns since before the letter J entered the English language, Prof. ustin ackson, whose urisprudence research focuses on analysing the udgments of High Court usitces, still doesn’t understand them.

The Oxford Dictionary first records the use of they/them pronouns as a grammatically correct gender-neutral single person pronoun in 1375. This predates the use of the letter J in the English alphabet, which only started being used in the 1500s. 

Despite this long history of they/them pronouns to refer to a single person, Prof. ustin ackson seems to have missed the memo and still thinks they can only refer to a group. Somehow Prof. ackson managed to get a PhD in urisprudence and legal theory despite not understanding the fundamentals of the English language. 

‘It doesn’t make sense,’ claims Prof. ackson. ‘I have this student in my seminar who insists on using they/them pronouns but it just sounds like everyone is talking about a group of people.’ 

‘Honestly, how can these TikTok generation students be expected to do well in an academically demanding discipline filled with complex ideas like urisprudence, ustice, urors, ury tampering, urisdiction, oint petitions and udicial reform, if they insist on focusing on silly made-up ideas like inclusivity, empathy and giving others the bare minimum respect’. 

This morning Prof. ackson was reportedly spotted at Merlo to get his daily caffeine fix. He was waiting with a colleague for the arrival of the colleague’s friend so the three of them could sit around discussing how annoying it is to keep up with fancy new trends and linguistic changes that only happened 650 years ago. 

Not knowing the gender of his colleague’s friend, Prof. ackson asked ‘when do you think they’ll get here?’ – referring, unbelievably, to a single person and not a group. Despite asking his students to draw connections between and synthesise information from across multiple sources to understand how the same theory can be applied in different contexts, Prof. ackson failed to do so himself. 

The Obiter hopes Prof. ackson will receive the tutoring he so clearly needs.

Law Student Complains of Failed ‘Brat Summer’, Despite Voluntarily Partaking in 12 Weeks of Clerkships

“It’s a knife when you’re finally on top” laments summer clerk, as she begins to realise that, despite her love for Charli XCX’s magnum opus record, she couldn’t be further from a 365 partygirl.

 Much like the fashionableness of the phrase ‘brat summer’, the Uni holidays are well and truly dead.

While half of Brisbane seemingly mass coordinated a getaway to Japan, a select cohort of pre-penultimate year law students opted for the time-honoured tradition of summer clerkships. Uninterested in rest or relaxation, these aspiring young professionals chose to spend their summers working full-time in a windowless cubicle, vying for the chance to spend the rest of their lives working in a slightly larger windowless cubicle.

 The Obiter interviewed UQ student Olivia Riddles, who partook in not one, not two, but three summer clerkships at top-tier law firms. When asked how she enjoyed her summer break, Olivia admitted her surprise and disappointment that she didn’t have the ‘brat summer’ of her dreams.

 Instead of ‘leather tanned skin’, she was left with the sallow complexion characteristic of those who only see sunlight for 20 days of annual leave per year. She also reflected that it’s hard to ‘fall in love again and again’ when the only romance you have time for is a late-night doom-scroll on Hinge.

 What’s more, to her dismay no one at the Christmas party wanted to do lines in the bathroom with a summer clerk (that’s strictly reserved for people with a practicing certificate). “As a clerk, the only ‘bumpin’ that’ you’re doing is bumping into your supervising partner in the lift and having to make excruciatingly awkward small talk, or bumping into the special counsel on the way back from her silent bathroom cry.”

 At least she had the chance to end the holidays on a high watching Charli XCX’s performance at Laneway Festival, although even that experience was tainted with melancholy for Olivia. “It just made me feel like a fraud if I’m honest” Oliva admitted with a sigh. “I don’t think real 365 partygirls subscribe to LinkedIn Premium.”

Arts/Law Student literally dies after discovering some people actually choose to study STEM

That’s it. They’re dead. That’s the article. 

A first year Pol-Sci nerd has been found dead after her classmate claimed physics is “kinda fun” (WTF). 

For most, the first day of university is the start of the rest of your life. You go to your first class, engage in icebreakers, and meet the people you will call your best friends for the next 5 years. For Stella Smith, 18, it ended in tragedy.

Everything started off well. Foundations of Law seminar leader, Beremy Jentham, pointed around the classroom, asking each terrified student to identify their name, hometown, and degree. Alongside the usual bunch of neoliberal economics wankers and literal Western Civ neo-Nazis, Stella was pleased to find that her basic law/arts degree majoring in political science was copied by about 150% of the cohort.

All was well, that was, until one absolute gigachad, namely Norm Aldistrubution, volunteered that he was studying Law/Science majoring in quantum megaphysics and the biochemistry of being a freaking legend.

For Stella, who shamefully took methods and chemistry in year 12 but only ‘for the scaling’, it was too much. Having sworn off STEM subjects as soon as she finished externals, she spontaneously combusted right there. 

Stella, who once claimed that “no one in their right mind would study maths at uni”, was a frequent car user who drove on bridges and in tunnels, visited a doctor when unwell and was addicted to her phone.

“Umm, yeah, look I think it diversifies my skillset pretty well,” Norm claimed in an exclusive interview with the Obiter, “very few people in society understand the law, and even fewer are literate in statistics, so to be in that intersection makes me interesting and valuable to employers.”

He is reportedly being charged with one count of actually having employment prospects if law doesn’t work out and faces a lifetime sentence of societal under-appreciation.

More to come. (But not from Stella).

ON THE GROUND FOR WEEK ONE AT UQ: They Came, They Saw, They Conked Out

From fervent freshers foaming to face their first finals, to borderline mature-age law students confident that their sixth year is definitely ‘their year’, many a UQ student walked through the pearly gates of the Great Court this week, ready to tackle the semester with gusto.

On Monday, aforementioned students strutted onto campus, adorned in meticulously curated outfits, their meal-prepped lunches and home-made coffees neatly packed into their annual new uni totes, not yet stained with ink, juice or a miscellaneous brown liquid. Hell, they even arrived at their classes 10 minutes early! One day in a row! HUZZAH!

Morale was still high as Tuesday rolled around. Unfortunately, the home-made coffees were a short-lived trend. The yearning was palpable as students rushed past Merlo, not quite so early for classes. Exercising extreme mental fortitude, students stayed strong on their no-spending vows and continued the walk/run to class, making it with two whole minutes to spare! Huzzah!

Wednesday brought a mid-week chaos. The sound of “fuck the 50 cent fares, I’m late!” resonated through the carparks amidst a twisted game of dodgem cars. Students burst through seminar doors, trying to mask their heavy breathing and gargantuan sweat beads. Shakily taking a seat, the bright eyed and bushy tailed quickly realised the readings they’d so admirably done ahead of time were actually for Week 2. At least they’re prepared for next week? Huzzah?

Thursday. Despite running 15 minutes late to mandatory tutes, students queued in droves to buy $8 iced lattes to wash down their flasks of whisky, spilling a little on their uni totes. In good news, miscellaneous brown liquid stains were finally identified. With already three missing tutorial preparation tasks, unpunctual pupils waltzed into class, taking the last remaining free seat: the teacher’s desk. Students flexed their skills in word-vomiting and managed to compensate for their lack of pre-reading. Participation marks were narrowly achieved. Huh.

No students were reported on campus on Friday.

BREAKING: Albo quaking in his boots as Dutton-hopeful takes on Constitutional Law this semester

“Just enrolled in LAWS3700! Watch out, Labor”, announced Benjamin Buttface (Young LNP legend) on Instagram threads this morning.

Reports out of the ACT this morning have described a low-level earthquake at the Lodge. Some paps allege the PM has been found wrapped tightly in bed, shivering - presumably in fear. Still speculative - it seems he's received word that notorious Young Liberal hero, 21 year old Benjamin Buttface has announced a new academic advancement.

Now entitled to bragging rights because he's read the entire Australian Constitution in preparation for the course, the upcoming election will surely be the biggest political takedown since Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson or Donald Trump & Joe Biden.

Buttface's notoriously significant cultural influence on his own demographic (ultra-conservative university students with a deep appreciation for their mounting HECS debt) combined with his newfound political credibility, mean Australia must prepare for a totally epic shakedown in May.

"Fuck you, Anthony. Not even the radical lefties can stop us now!"

(Hopefully no) more to come.