ALL BARK AND NO BITE: After an all too familiar weeklong episode of performance anxiety, Cyclone Alfred has up and ghosted us after getting us only ever so slightly wet.

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All of Brisbane has been left woefully unimpressed after Cyclone Alfred failed to climax last night, having now been demoted to a measly ‘tropical low’ by the bureau of Meteorology.

Like many a Brisbane ex-situationship, Alfred has been spotted on the beach at the Sunshine Coast, ghosting all of us after last night’s poor performance.

CEO and Director of Meteorology Andrew Johnson has stated that after “edging us all week,” Alfred supposedly came overnight, and yet this morning is absent from Brisbane. Residents are reportedly frustrated by Mr Johnson, asking why he put us on with Alfred, when any other tropical storm would have likely had a better performance, and potentially even a second date. Skeptics have claimed that Mr Johnson was doing a favour for Alfred, who seemingly gets no play.

To add to the frustration of many, Alfred has somehow not only managed to cancel International Womens Day for all of Brisbane, while still being notably absent on the day of the event.

While still causing relatively severe damage to Queensland coast, it seems as though what we were promised in DMs was seemingly all talk.

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