The concerns of English parents over the state of English football have just grown rapidly with a humble text.

At approximately 5.33am this morning, a drunken football texted his parents, stating ‘hey mum, i won’t be home tonight xx.’ No indication whatsoever was given as to when football will be home, or whether football will ever be home again.

Last time football came home after a night out, it was 1966.

Football’s worried Mum had been up all night stressing over whether football would come home, even wearing a shirt with football’s name on it into the wee hours of morning - an admittedly strange strategy to encourage someone to come home.

Sources close to football suggest it might have spent the night partying with his Croatians and French friends, and very likely went home with one of them.

There was scope for football to come home after half-an-hour into the evening, but as soon as it really got stuck in with those dastardly Croatian buddies, it seemed there would be no chance for football to make it home.

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