James Robertson, or ‘Chundo,’ as he’s now known to his mates after a particularly vicious bout of Great Northern-influenced gastrointestinal disease at Schoolies, is a grown-up now. Ironing his own collection of navy Ralph Lauren T-shirts, the 2019 Churchie Old Boy is ready to tackle O-Week, Market Day, and all the challenges and opportunities university has to offer Queensland’s brightest.
Yet, some doubts have arisen over whether insular private schools provide the best training ground for early university experiences. When asked if he was excited for O-Week, and the clubs and societies present at Market Day, James (‘Chundo’) gave the desperately incisive response of ‘Haha, O-Week. Sounds like what I give my girlfriend.’
After our pained silence, he followed up on the original comment.
‘An orgasm every week.’
As our reporters gathered their thoughts, James whipped out the leather polish, but broke with the traditional private-school trend of polishing your fourth pair of RM Williams boots, and instead, starting adding a polished sheen to his Birkenstock sandals.
‘Rolled-up jeans, Birks, a Ralph T-shirt, and a cap of some American sports team I’ve never heard of, but will pretend to support regardless. I’m ready for Market Day!’ declared the dermatologist’s son.
What is he most excited for at Market Day? Following the purchase of FMAA and UQLNC memberships, the local first year cannot wait to have an 11am beer in the Reddo with all his cool new mates in the Beer and Rum Society.
He also considered buying an L-Card but decided against it, citing the all pink marketing as being ‘a bit gay aha.’ In many ways, who can blame him?
As this absolute legend of a societal failure prepares to grace the St Lucia campus with his presence, and wear his BAFE hoodie until it’s practically falling off his shoulders onto the floors of PwC where he will inevitably receive a cushy consultancy gig, and oversee the yoke of capitalism crushing anyone or anything with dreams or creativity, there’s one thing we should all remember.
Iron Jack is a shithouse beer and it’s absurd the Red Room sells it.
No more to come.