A local hopeless case and Tinder aficionado, Todd Watson (24), has been quietly relieved this week regarding the global pandemic, as it has finally provided him with a ripping excuse for his eight-month dry spell.
Todd, a connoisseur of Toohey’s Extra Dry, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and the sharp lyricisim of Eminem, has been stuck in a metaphorical sexual rut for some months now, with his awkward demeanour, poor dress sense, and overall air of desperation all being key contributing factors to his inutterable sexual failings.
Over the summer holidays, he desperation plumbed new deaths, as he was rendered unable to talk to his friends about literally anything other than where he was going to ‘get a chop from, lads.’
Indeed, even his work performance suffered, as his tragic obsession with his dry spell bled into his daily life as a town planner. Whilst his workmates were largely supportive of his made-up plight, Todd’s mental state continually deteriorated, imagining his colleagues were bullying him with such inventive phrases as ‘the bloke can plan a town but he can’t plan a root! Bazinga!’
Nevertheless, the dawn of a new era was heralded by Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s comments on Monday night, ensuring that Todd was off the hook, at least for now. ‘It’s unreal,’ he told The Obiter, fresh from downloading the latest season of Law & Order: SVU and cooking spaghetti bolognese for the fifth time this week.
‘There’s no pressure anymore. Like, I could totally have sex if I wanted to, but the government has clarified the legislative approach to one-night stands. Damn!’
His group chats have come alight with such bold lies as 'Haha yeah, quarantine mate, ruining my sex life. Totally. Can't get a shag to save my life.' Whilst some handle this quarantine with self-deluding aplomb, others suffer the daily fear and stress of economic uncertainty and shaken faith in the capacity of the world to deal with crises. Each to their own, we guess!
No more to slum.