‘Too easy champion, give us a yell if you need a hand,’ and other patronising phrases have been added to the online retailer in order to give customers a more traditional brick-and-mortar shopping experience.

‘We found that customers were enjoying browsing at their own leisure but were missing the feeling of being alpha’d by a guy who looks like an extra in every early 2000’s frat movie,’ explained an ASOS market analyst.

The software is effective but proved costly to perfect. The key was getting the tone of voice just right, so you couldn’t quite tell whether the assistant is actually happy to help, or you’d be burdening them if you genuinely require assistance.

Nevertheless, the results speak for themselves with 85% of customers panic buying the items in their cart when approached by the heavily tattooed virtual assistant.

In order to be gender inclusive a female avatar has also been added for customers who enjoy being called ‘babe’ three times during every sentence.

‘The uptake has been amazing with consumer retention increasing by 35%,’ continued the analyst.

‘People were missing feeling somehow emasculated by a man who was wearing Vans and a lanyard, we are extremely proud to now provide a solution online.’

More to come on this groundbreaking market research.