‘8 mutuals on facey?? Surely I’m in with a chance here,’ thought Ron Brent (20) to himself, as he continued to carefully analyse the list of names that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s party - ‘Lily’s Easter Bash’.

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A self-described ‘Horndog’, Ronald Brent is a man with little to no shame.

Ever since being dumped by his high school sweetheart at age 19, he’s professed that he’s sick of being ‘the nice guy’. Now a guru of self-help and mindful-growth podcasts - with a plan to start his own one day - Ron, a man of great introspection, is a man on a mission.

What’s the mission, you ask? Get ‘hench’? Yes, of course. But of even more significance, Ron has an unwavering goal for this Saturday evening - get hookies at a minimum.

Having lived the ‘gym life’ for the past 6 months and currently rocking a mad ‘fresh cut’, Ron is, to be candid, bemused at his recent lack of success in this particular domain.

A source close to Ronald argued that this failing could be attributed to Ron being a ‘really boring cunt at a generous best’. When we put this allegation to Ronald for comment, he responded, ‘Nah man, that’s such negative vibes, I’m kinda of a deep thinker bro, haters just needa get on my level’.

Perhaps spurred on by these ‘negatives vibes’, Ron was spotted later that afternoon on the bus home from his shift at Grill’d deeply dissecting the list of those that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s ‘Easter Bash’ at Lily’s McSweeney’s.

We wish Ronald and his crypto chat-up lines the best of luck.