A local dickhead has today weighed up two of his most pressing concerns. Firstly, the global pandemic which is killing tens of thousands across the globe, and shattering the institutions and structures we hold dear, and secondly, his rampant desire ‘to get away’ for Easter.
‘I deserve a holiday, right?’ he declared out loud, to no-one in particular, after skimming the Government’s public health directions which pretty clearly state this Brisbane man shouldn’t be trying to ‘get up the coast for a couple of days and have a couple of beers on the beach with a few mates.’
The Brisbane local, Andrew Salisbury (26), has been working from home for the past month, or as he calls it in a weird, nonsensical inversion of the classic joke, ‘hardly working.’ Like, he literally says to colleagues on Zoom calls, ‘working from home or hardly working?’ as if it’s a groundbreaking piece of comedy.
Moving on.
But after watching the Premier’s clear statements of ‘don’t go away for Easter,’ and ‘all our hard work could be undone if you go away,’ this bright spark decided to himself that the rules apply to those who are at risk, not a fit young thing like himself.
After all, he’s been following Men’s Health prescribed muscle-building, fat-burning workout routine, which is basically pushups and steamed chicken breasts, repeated ad nauseaum.
‘I’m still good to go up to Noosa, right?’ he texted in his group chat of fellow muscle-and-chicken-breast aficionados, all of whom have profoundly nuanced takes on the legislative regime surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic.
‘No dramas, mate, go bananas,’ stated ‘Dave,’ a young father of three who’s staying at home this Easter because he’s designed a ripper Easter Egg hunt for the backyard of their Taringa home.
As Andrew packed away six cases of Tooheys New, and began calling around his friends to see who wanted to come on holiday with him, a brief moment of conscience flashed before his eyes, before it was dismissed as easily as a tail-end batsman facing Mitchell Starc with a new rock in his hands.
No more to come.