Researchers and epidemiologists are absolutely baffled by the latest case of coronavirus in Queensland, as the patient, a UQ student who had recently returned from Europe, was reportedly compelled by the virus to immediately head to Friday’s Riverside and get with everyone, including your ex.

As news broke today of the misadventures of this unwell young man, memories start flooding back of the weekend for many of Brisbane’s youth.

‘There was that guy everyone got with,’ stated Obiter reporter who just happened to suspiciously be at Friday’s that night, Caity Anderson. ‘And I guess he was also coughing in everyone’s drink, and also making sure every surface was covered in his spit.’

‘But I didn’t think anything of it at the time.’

With the young man now in isolation after obtaining countless sweet, sweet hookies on Friday night, researchers are doing the utmost to understand the fresh strain of COVID-19 present in his system, which encouraged him to go absolutely bananas after a couple of Furphy’s and pash literally everyone present.

‘It’s incredible. Not only did he come down with a fever and respiratory issues, the virus also made him some absolute playboy, and he immediately became irresistible to everyone present,’ stated lead researcher, Dr Stephen Beh.

Many commentators have suggested that ‘it is incredibly disturbing’ for such a virus to have spread at Friday’s, but in our opinion, if you’re leaving Friday’s with only coronavirus to your name, you’re doing a lot better than last time we went there, and all received gonorrhea from those weird cosmopolitans they do at like 11pm.

Whilst official government directions have been to refrain from naming the infected young man, for fear of lynching and violent reprisals from both health activists and jaded exes, we can formally reveal that young’s man name is: Michael Fielding.

No more to come.