‘That’s enough work for today’ said Matthew Allport, as he cracked his knuckles and prepared himself for a big afternoon of leisure.

~~~

Local 22 year old Matthew Allport took a big step today, a step so big that he has no choice but to not take another step for the rest of the day.

Today Matthew made his first ever purchase of lentils, a commitment that ensures that he will put at least a little bit of effort into his cooking this week. And he’s absolutely exhausted just thinking about it.

‘Even just the word lentils scares me’ said Allport at a crowded press conference.

‘But there’s a point in every young person’s life where they have to buy lentils and start figuring out their fucking life, and I guess that day is today for me.’

However, the recent graduate says tonight ‘isn’t the night’ for the lentils to be prepared and consumed.

‘There’s only so much a man can do in one day, jesus. Get off my fucking back and let me watch my cardoons’ said an indignant Allport, before storming out of the press room.

Put your feet up and tuck into some Ed, Edd and Eddy Matty boy, you’ve earned it.