Sure it’s bottom of the barrel content, but Australian audiences still tune in to acclaimed dramedy Married At First Sight, our sources confirm.

After a dinosaur cull on the experts panel, the show has taken a new direction by gaslighting viewers that the show is genuine in its premise and not a smokescreen for the launch of lucrative OnlyFans careers. With a 1% success rate, the experts are doing psychologists in the field proud.

Following a total condemnation of the Claire and Adam cheating scandal, they resiled from this position by introducing a couple swap to strengthen the couples’ bonds. This comes after the very productive ranking exercise, based on scholarly, peer-reviewed literature, and engineered to inform your partner that you find another participant sexy as fuck.

When surveyed further, our sources tell us that producers scoured every sweatshop nationwide for the reddest of flags. We can also exclusively reveal that Harrison caused 23% of female viewership to dip their toes in lesbianism. Purely from the experts’ conduct, it is safe to say the key to love is sabotaging your relationship from the very beginning.

More to come