The ‘I cannot walk in a straight line’ syndrome has finally broken out across UQ’s St Lucia campus, worse than ever before.
John Walkright (21) has told Obiter journalists that this past Monday was the “worst of his life.” According to Walkright, university students all over St Lucia have decided that 2025 is the year during which first and fifth year students alike have given themselves a free pass to neglect both driving rules and concepts of spatial awareness.
Walkright’s troubles really began during the Cyclone Alfred lockdown, as he waltzed into Coles to grab his weekly helping of Marvellous Creations and a bag of grapes. An anxious customer had run over his foot with a trolley filled with toilet paper and six hundred cans of baked beans. Whilst he admits the bandage ruins his nonchalant Birkenstock-boy sorta vibe, Walkright was still keen to return to uni this week.
At approximately 7:50am on Monday morning, accelerating to the average pace of 67km/h down Fred Schonell drive, Walkright nearly rear ended two cars in front of him rolling along to the speed of 20km/h. He looked around for a road safety camera, but could find neither this nor clear signage with similar messaging to, ‘It’s okay to drive like an idiot today.’
Walkright’s troubles didn’t end here. As he patiently waited for his triple shot long black beside the wall of towering Merlo milk crates, he completely lost sight of the coffees being churned up to the dispensing counter.
“They’re just like pigeons, flocking around the counter right after they’ve ordered,” he told the Obiter. “I ended up with an eight ounce soy flat white today because two people stole my coffee. What soy flat white drinker is grabbing a long f**cking black?! It’s got to be the first years.”
His troubles not yet over, Walkright tried to exit a classroom during a tutorial break and walked right into someone entering class halfway through. He then performed what may have looked like a breakdance to passers-by – those steep law library stairs had sure proved to be a challenge as he tried to skirt someone walking up the right hand side, eyes glued to Block Blast on their phone.
Unsure when this epidemic of reduced common sense will end, Walkright has told the Obiter that if it happens again tomorrow, he may (accidentally) kick someone in the face.
