A spokeswoman for the Queensland Police Service confirmed in an urgent press conference this morning that they are not pursing any new leads in the state-wide search for a missing S’well water bottle.
“At this moment, there are no updates on the operation,” Amy Clintock told media this morning outside Queensland Police Headquarters. “We will bring you any and all information about this bottle as we receive it.” The water bottle belongs to a young woman named Caitlyn Zhang who reported on Monday that she had not seen her S’well for 45 minutes, the legislated period before which a S’well is considered “missing” by authorities.
“I was holding the S’well and ordering a coffee before I got chatting with an old friend,” Ms Zhang told The Obiter. “We started walking when I realised the S’well was gone.”
“Ah that sucks,” we at The Obiter responded. “Do you know whereabouts it could be?”
Ms Zhang spat back, “If I knew that it wouldn’t be lost!”
The Obiter knew we’d screwed up. “Yeah I know, I mean, like, do you know where you last had it?”
“Are you serious? The coffee shop, dude.”
“Oh yeah. So… did you read our Hughesy article?”
The QPS have dedicated all of their resources to the unfolding crisis. Morgan McAtkin, a career detective one week away from retirement, said in an interview that this is the most puzzling case to slide across his desk in 65 years with the service. “Some cases keep you up at night,” McAtkin mumbled as he sipped black coffee. “In all my years, I ain’t seen nothing like this.” McAtkin described the immediate police response upon Ms Zhang’s initial report: all flights departing and arriving at Queensland airports were grounded, state borders were sealed, a 3pm curfew has been imposed on all residents and 24/7 armed guards have been stationed at all major bubblers.
“At this point our list of suspects extends to anyone in our register who enjoys the consumption of hot or cold beverages,” McAtkin growled as he lit a rolled cigarette. “So we are narrowing it down.”
Leaked police documents unveiled future potential strategies QPS are considering, including sending an officer undercover as a Ziptap.
“Cannot believe those plans leaked,” McAtkin roared as he ran his hands through his grey beard. “We should’ve put them in a S’well.”
Considering the lack of leads and the insulation capacity of the missing target, sources within QPS believe this is destined to become a cold case.
More to come.