The cure for these dark times has been successfully sourced, and it’s been lurking under our noses this entire time. COVID-19 has been a notoriously difficult virus to develop a vaccine for, not least because of the social and cultural malaise which has inevitably accompanied the arrival of the physical symptoms of the virus.
But fear no more, Australia. The cure was inside us all along. It wasn’t some boffins in a lab, testing microbial infections on anti-controlled pathogens, or whatever is those lab-coat nerds do literally all day long without even texting girls.
The cure for COVID-19?
Well, it’s arriving on 28 May.
And it’s physical, it’s aggressive, and it’s got a hell of a lot of Jason Taumalolo.
Rugby league is coming back. Rugby fucking league is coming back, baby.
Excited? So are we. We’ve been literally bouncing off the walls ever since the news was announced. And for all the naysayers who called the NRL ‘literally deranged’ for just deciding to plow ahead with announcing a date for the return of the premier footballing competition in this country, they’ll be eating their words with a side of humble pie, washed down with a long tall drink of Mitchell Moses’ sweat.
All our favourite characters are coming back - a sweaty Phil Gould looking horrified at the state of the modern game whilst doing absolutely nothing to fix it, local bartenders worried about how their glasses are going to be used in post-match celebrations, and of course, everyone’s favourite feature of a new NRL season: concussions!
Whilst isolation and the threat of a global pandemic made real is horrifying, we can all soon take solace in the brilliance of a Patrick Carrigan charge through the middle third, or the lightning footwork of a Jared Warea-Hargreaves. And there’s never been a better time to become criminally obsessed with ‘the footy,’ as there is quite literally nothing else to do!
While Rugby Australia shits the bed because a bunch of private-school Old Boys wrote a letter to the Principal that made the school captain resign, the NRL is happy to ramble on, shedding the weight of bald nerds like Todd Greenberg in favour of cool legends like Peter V’Landys.
We are so excited, that our families are growing concerned.
So much more to come.