‘His semi-western forehand grip really frees up the whole court for his groundstrokes. Seriously, look it up.’

The Australian Open has done a fabulous job of keeping the silly season rolling around, with weekends dominated by the rapid daytime consumption of mid-strength alcohol whilst attempting to pronounce the exotic names of players such as ‘Nadal.’

And for unemployed, lazy, or just generally strange Australians, the tournament has giftwrapped a great opportunity to temporarily become an expert on players who, realistically, no regular person knew much about beyond ‘he hits a mean forehand.’

Rob Higginson (23), a part-time bartender and full-time punter, is one such Australian. Whilst his friends suggest he’d never so much as uttered the hallowed words ‘Dominic Thiem’ before a few days ago, the degree to which he now spits out knowledge on the Austrian finalist suggests he must’ve had a deep passion for Thiem burning over the last five years.

For anyone unfortunate enough to ask Rob what he’s tipping for tonight’s final, he’ll suck in a few deep, throaty, nicotine-stained breaths before embarking on an analysis of the 26-year-old’s game so complicated and convoluted as to render the initial question almost entirely redundant.

‘His eastern backhand grip, reminiscent of a sort of 2015-era Wawrinka, is intriguing to see in the modern game, and his ‘heavy’ forehand - meaning, of course, fast and with topspin - is incredibly difficult to play for those standing too deep, but challenging for any trying to rush the net,’ Rob suggests, a harsh contrast to his proclamation three weeks ago that he’d ‘never heard of this Austrian fucker.’

Intriguing scenes. Sources close to Rob suggest the core of the issue may be the fact that he doesn’t easily read the difference between Austrian and Australian, due to his rampant dyslexia.

Apparently his real name isn’t even Rob, it’s Bor!

No more to come.