UQ Law Dean, Patrick Parkinson, was reportedly filled with a profound rage on Tuesday morning, as he glowered from his office window in the Forgan Smith Building at the filthy heathens below participating in the pagan ritual of the ‘Great Court Easter Egg Hunt.’

Gazing upon the sea of foul, unbelieving, mindless students competing to find the coloured plastic eggs scattered around the Great Court and various other UQ locations, Parkinson reflected on Easter’s sinful and unholy pagan origins.

Originally celebrating the feast of the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring and renewal, Eostre, any attempt to pretend Easter is a Christian tradition is simply an intriguing piece of pagan trickery. Parkinson immediately entreated into his office, to swiftly write and put out a communique banning law students from participating in any and all pagan rituals.

‘Forgive them Lord, for though they have lust in their hearts and so take the heathen Druid idol of the egg for their God, they know not what they do. Spare them the eternal tortures of the burning lake of fire and appear in their hearts, so that they might seek you out again of their own accord.’

At press time, he was exhorting students to turn their back on sin and enter into the eternal love of Jesus Christ by conducting rogue baptisms in the algae-bloom tinged, polluted UQ lakes.

More to come, from this John the Baptist-esque figure who knows his way around the law.