After three videos leaked online showing Penrith Panthers players having quite disturbing sex while their teammates watch, CEO of the NRL, Todd Greenberg, has decided to lean into the series of sex-tape scandals, and use the substantial budget at his disposal to hire legendary Steven Spielberg to helm the next sex tape.

Entitled ‘Jurassic Pork,’ Spielberg will collaborate with the presently-unnamed Penrith players, along with sex-tape consultant Dylan Napa, and Panthers general manager Phil Gould, to create a visual and sensory experience second to none in the sex-tape arena.

‘Look, the videos are gonna get out there whether we like it or not,’ said Greenberg, speaking to the media today.

‘We might as well make them high-quality.’

‘Besides, with Spielberg directing, he’ll be less likely to approve the dialogue of calling a woman a ‘ratbag’. What even is a ratbag? Indiana Jones might not have loved rats, but it didn’t lead to Spielberg hurling ratbags into his films.’

Spielberg has indicated to journalists that after directing cinematic masterpieces, such as Schindler’s List and Jaws, this should be child’s play. Except, of course, children should never do this sort of play.

Rumours also abound that Spielberg’s longtime collaborator, John Williams, will be brought on board to score the sex tape.

‘I’ve never scored a sex video,’ says Williams, 86. ‘But I’m thinking light strings and subtle oboe during foreplay, then leading boldly into the Jurassic Park theme when they finally get it on.’

Great call, Williams. We eagerly await the final product.

Plenty more to come (although Greenberg probably wishes otherwise).