‘Yeah, to be honest I’m just over the whole drinking scene, and having any sort of moisture or water capable of sustaining life,’ confessed Planet Earth over a couple of beers last weekend.

‘This might be my last weekend with you boys,’ suggested the large planet, who had clearly been hit pretty hard by the previous weekend, with the Adani coal mine being approved, and Tyson’s 21st being a fucking rager.

Dry July is a popular month for alcoholics, health freaks, the nerds, and anyone who wishes to challenge themselves, but this year, it’s expanding beyond just cutting back on your consumption of Furphys. This year, a planet is getting involved!

While friends of Planet Earth says the full-throated commitment to Dry July has been a long time coming, as the damage done over countless years has been almost too much to bear, this is a quiet pocket of contrarian mates who reckon Earth is ‘being a fucking pussy,’ and ‘is completely fine.’

Despite Earth regularly complaining to its mates that it is rapidly losing the ability to support intelligent life, and is literally burning, these comments fall on the deaf ears of blokes who reckon Izzy Folau has been the victim of the most brutal abuse of human rights since that funny bloke talking about a succulent Chinese meal was taken from a restaurant.

Haha, classic one, fellas.

Whilst the month-long Dry July experience has proved rewarding to some, Earth fully expects to keep the commitment to keeping it ‘dry’ unless there are some serious changes in the behaviour of those around him.

For those looking for a loophole, note the premise of Dry July doesn’t actually exclude the consumption of Canadian Club & ‘Dry,’ with it literally being in the name of the popular pre-mixed drink. The more you know, we guess.

No more to come.