Struck down thirty-eight points to six on a windswept, rainy pitch in Perth, Queenslanders could probably be forgiven for finding themselves wondering whether the Mighty Maroons’ uncharacteristically shithouse performance against New South Wales last night was somehow an act of divine punishment.
Following an in-depth investigation by the team at The Obiter, we can sadly confirm that there is more to these initial suspicions than one would expect.
A spokesperson for God, the Archangel Gabriel, confirmed to us this morning that The Lord, Creator Of All Things and Ruler Of The Universe, struck down the state’s beloved rugby league team in Perth last night with a case of the absolute shits following Queensland’s repeated failure to heed His dire warnings to turn away from sin lest they incur His divine wrath.
The Archangel Gabriel cited God’s fury at the Queensland State Government’s approval of the Adani coal mine project as one factor behind his decision to smite the state, although he’s famously ambivalent about the chirpy little annoying black-throated finch, but confirmed to us that Queensland LNP Senator James McGrath’s continued unholy existence played an even larger part in God’s thinking.
‘Honestly, Our Heavenly Father is fucking pissed that the people of Queensland seemingly listen to that vapid, stupid prick,’ confessed Gabriel.
‘I mean, just look at the little dopey little runt, he looks like a smurf, he’s not exactly in shape, is he?’ asked the Archangel Gabriel rhetorically.
Later, he was able to confirm to us that the Lord God YHWH trembled with the rage of ten trillion fiery suns every single time the conservative senator, famous for his support for privatizing the ABC in order to stick it to ‘latte lefties,’ took a breath.
At press time, God’s booming, thundering voice rang out through the state of Queensland, warning that for every continued second Senator James McGrath spent existing he would smite not just the Maroons, but the entire state.
Warning of plagues and pestilence, he threatened to go throughout the state, killing the firstborn son of every household.
‘There will be loud wailing throughout Queensland—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.’ We can only assume he’s referring to the Great Wailings of Caxton St should we lose the decider in Sydney.
More to come.