A local big sister has been rocked to her absolute core today as her Year 11 younger sibling has requested a four pack of White Claws for the upcoming party.

Brattlee Stevens (17) is keen to attend her third-ever boys and girls party of Year 11, only a few short weeks into the school year. And she’s deeply reluctant to attend without some form of social lubrication.

But whilst in the past, teens everywhere used to absolutely cook their brain cells with vodka, and goon before that, the modern teenager is rather more discerning.

If Mummy is going to dish up fresh sushi every afternoon after clarinet and water polo practice at Brisbane School of Grammar for Girls, then it would be a heinous crime to poison this temple with anything less than the absolute finest.

With a careful eye, Brattlee perused the Instagrams of various social media influencers, noting the drinks clutched in their hands, along with their devastatingly gorgeous tans. And after discussing with her friends at school, Brattlee concluded that lime seltzers were the way to go.

Descendants of the famed ‘skinny bitch’ array of vodka-and-soda based drinks, seltzers are a flagging trend among a twenty-something population keen to forget the last two years again. But among the kids of today, they are becoming an ever-more popular way of enjoying social occasions without creating lasting regrets.

Cowardly, we call it.

If you can’t sneak out and drench yourself in the worst liquor your least-responsible sibling could get their hands on, then why are you even here?

No more to come.