Backstabbing faces critical endangerment thanks to the controversial new Messenger feature, with young women across the Meta set to no longer be able to covertly capture every latest bit of tea in their friendship circle.
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Hellbent on getting back at all those mean girls who wouldn’t sleep with him in college, the Zuck has introduced an alarming new messenger feature: notifications when screenshots are taken.
Local girl, Maeve (21) already knows this will ruin her life.
Gone are her days of screenshotting every passive aggressive message she receives from her uni group and flicking it to her friends with a quick “can you believe this bitch?”
Maeve also now fears that she will never find love.
‘How the fuck am I supposed to know if someone is my one true love if the group chat can’t dissect his messages as team?’ she wondered.
Between tears she assured one of our reporters that ‘organic conversation’ and ‘independent thinking’ are for boomer losers who don’t have heaps of friends to help them navigate every confusing messenger conversation they encounter.
Believing she still had time before the update was put into effect, Maeve got to work. She documented all of the evidence she could possibly need to start a fight on a rainy day or defend herself against salacious accusations. Like any meticulous record keeper, she stored that evidence sporadically in her 4000 photo camera roll that badly needed an iCloud storage update.
Unfortunately for Maeve, each screenshot triggered a notification.
It has since been reported that she’s moved to a deserted island.
No more to come.