It’s that time of the year, the sun is shining, mid-semester exams are done, and hordes of prospective student politicians have descended on campus.

That’s right, if you want a burrito you’re going to have to fight your way past a gaggle of pasty virgins awkwardly trying to catch your attention like it’s the outdoor section of Ric’s Bar.

Our in-house demographers didn’t have a mid-semester break, they were hard at work determining answers to pressing issues. Such as: What deep-seated psychological trauma causes potentially likeable students into StuPol hacks?

Childhood neglect.

The research suggests that a lack of hugs and kisses as a child will causes entrenched insecurity in turn causing students to go to increasingly worrying lengths for validation. Even so far as to sell their souls and bodies to quasi political parties they hadn’t heard before this year. We caught up with Joseph Schneebly (27), a part time arts student, hoping to retain his position as Assistant Executive Vice President of Campus Culture, for his thoughts on the study.

‘Vote 1 Schneebly,’ he bleated

‘It’s a good theory, except Dad FaceTimed at least once a week when I was little. I’m actually doing this to kickstart my political career, I want preselection in my home seat of Cooper before I’m 30.’

And if that doesn’t work out?

‘I’ll probably work for Dad’s vague import/export company… if her ever responds to my texts.’

Good luck Joseph, get a Hanaichi on campus and you’ve got my vote.