After spending a record-breaking forty-five minutes perusing the menu, one local Newmarket woman decides that the most delicious meal will be the one for which she does not have to pay a cent.

Bizarrely, the above record she broke was set by Cathy Freeman, which we have no further information about, but is definitely interesting.

Despite devouring an entire pork belly banh mi after work from Banh Mi Now on Adelaide Street (ask for Lynette), Kayla Martin (25) has found herself hungry for the chips she ‘didn’t want at all,’ after witnessing a sweaty, spotty, criminally-underpaid Grill’d employee tenderly place them in front of her completely oblivious boyfriend.

Thankfully, due to the ancient legal doctrine of ‘Mi Casa, Su Casa’, and ‘Come On, Sweetheart,’ Kayla’s starvation will not endure as she claims her genuine human right to any and all forms of tuberous vegetables that her boyfriend may purchase, whether using the app, or in-person.

It’s not long until Josh Hartley (24) is watching on in frustration and disbelief as the last minuscule pieces of battered potato are hoovered up by Kayla, with the aggression and focus she normally reserves for criticising the production design of Harry Potter And The Cursed Child: Part Two.

‘It was two for one, for fuck’s sake. If only she said something,’ laments Josh, to no-one in particular, given Kayla is the only one who talks to him these days after he went way too hard on promoting cryptocurrency among his mates.

Unfortunately for Josh, this is not the first, nor will it be the last, time he is stupid enough to think that he can get away with eating all the fries by himself.

All is fair in love and war. No more to Krum.