As he pored over the hundreds of pages of densely-typed notes all UQ Senators are expected to read in preparation for doing their actual job, UQ Senator Drew Pavlou came to the surprising realization that the Senate is actually not a platform for fun, attention-seeking, Animal House style antics but instead just a really dry and boring corporate board devoted to the discussion of financial minutiae, dominated by boring old people uncomfortably reminiscent of his stern, distant and disapproving father.
Quickly coming to an awareness of just how much incredibly tiresome, anonymous, time consuming and soul-crushing work he had just voluntarily signed up for, Drew was quoted at press time expressing regret that his irrational quest to spite Peter Høj had got to the point where he now had to assume significant legally sensitive responsibilities as is expected of virtually all corporate board work.
Prompted by these newfound revelations to engage in self-reflection for seemingly the first time in his entire life, Drew noted that he now recognized that it had possibly been a mistake to have inadvertently set off an international diplomatic incident based on strongly held feelings about StalkerSpace memes about Tiananmen Square denialism, and to consequently have allowed the aftermath of this one protest to spiral so far out of control due to his literally non-existent impulse control that he was now partly responsible for administering a two-billion dollar budget at a Top 50 global university.
As Chancellor Peter Varghese sent him yet another strongly worded email explaining why he could not use the word ‘cunt’ at meetings, Drew noted that being a UQ Senator was not at all like Schoolies - it featured no beer, drugs, chaotic loose fun, or hot unprotected (though consensual) sex with sexy girls.
In fact, it was really the absolute opposite of any of this.
At press time, Drew also noted that the UQ Senate election win, while fun, had not filled the gaping hole he felt inside, nor fixed his gnawing insecurity and lack of self worth.
More to come.