An emergency declaration has been issued by Queensland Police this afternoon after two gunmen holed themselves up in an Auchenflower apartment, sparking a standoff with law enforcement officials.

Auchenflower residents have described the situation as, ‘intense, scary, and to be honest a little bit cool.’

“We hope and pray that no one is hurt,” local man Arnie West told The Obiter. ‘At the same time, people in Milton can eat a dick. Ooooh you’ve got your cute little stadium? We’ve got the fucking sequel to Heat going on over here. Grow up.’

Despite the seriousness of the event, Auchenflower residents were displaying a smug superiority in their suburb’s Facebook group ‘WATCH IT, I’M AUCHEN HERE!”

‘We know this is dangerous,’ an account operating under the alias of Christopher Auchenflower posted in the group at 2:15pm. ‘But fuck, got to admit it’s a little cool that our suburb is on the news. This is better than when the plans for a Grill’d were leaked.’ When a commenter pointed out that the Grill’d is technically in Rosalie, the commenter was immediately removed from the group.

As the situation unfolds, Auchenflower residents are hopeful that the standoff is resolved peacefully and quickly. But not too quickly. Maybe around 8:30/9. Enough time that future screenwriters will have ample material from which to write a 3-part miniseries for Channel 7.

‘I want to be played by Gyton Grantley,’ said the butt ugly local butcher who most definitely will be played by Kochie.

More to come.