After convincing themselves that ‘she’ll be right’ for weeks on end, this week it seems the NRL have finally realised that maybe having twenty-odd blokes run around dry humping each other maybe wasn’t such a good idea at the moment, announcing that it was suspending its 2020 season due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The closure of bars and pubs across Australia means that the arrests for public indecency and assaulting a police officer will likely be lower than usual on ‘Mad Monday’. However, as a result, unfortunately, and actually quite seriously, the partners of NRL players will be forced to try and live with these ferals for a while.

‘For fucks sake,’ they sighed collectively, as CEO Todd ‘Wouldn’t Trust Him To Water My Plants’ Greenberg broke the news this afternoon.

Give them an iPad and install Candy Crush, we say.

Minutes after the decision was made, Snapchat and Instagram were forced to shut down temporarily due to an unprecedented increase in traffic. A 3.8 magnitude earthquake was also recorded after every 16-year-old girl’s phone in the country buzzed about 38 times from 6-7pm.

More to come.