In times of crisis, the best and worst elements of humanity tend to present themselves. Also, everyone gets really fucking horny.

Such was the lesson learned for UQ Constitutional Law students this week, after it emerged that every single one of them in the Thursday 1:00pm Zoom Seminar was vigorously masturbating throughout.

In a phenomenal show of stamina and stealth, the students continued the exercise undetected for the entirety of the two hour seminar, before unleashing an earthquake of bliss upon themselves immediately after leaving the meeting.

Sources have confirmed that each student was under the impression they were the only one busting a nut at the time. However, fourth year Thomas Jones (21) broke the silence when he sent a simple but powerful message to the cohort group chat: “just nudded so hard”

Apparently intended to be sent to his totally straight sick cunt mates, Jones’ message was immediately met with replies of “same” from all 35 of his LAWS3700 classmates, in an inspiring display of community solidarity.

When contacted for comment, UQ Vice-Chancellor Peter Hoj implored students to “quit the charade” and “tilt that camera down a little bit baby”.

And god damn is he right.

No more to come.