In a move that rivals Eve’s consumption of the Forbidden Fruit for its stunning treachery and deceit, we can sadly report this morning that area women have denied local feminist ally, Elliot Cox (22), a three-hour-long blowjob, despite the fact that he posted a woke status celebrating International Women’s Day that received hundreds of likes.

Despicable! His birthright has been stripped away from him. This summons bile to the throat and tears to the eyes.

If Elliot can’t get an epic, three-hour-long extravaganza of oral sex for posting about the systemic oppression of women in an inherently patriarchal social structure, then what point is there in living?

In an act that demonstrates the inherent selfishness of all women, the Earth’s entire population of female beings collectively chose not to perform fellatio upon Elliot, even though he is one of the good guys that doesn’t call for the outright sexual enslavement of all women in a Handmaid’s Tale style dystopia. Wow - that sounds like a guy that deserves sex!

The fact his status was a repurposed Clementine Ford argument (who Elliot quietly describes as a ‘bit much’) shouldn’t harm his chances at ejaculation. Nor should the fact that Elliot took advantage of an intoxicated staffer at a Labor Left function.

The man suggests women should enjoy comparatively similar rights to men, for Christ’s sake. Give him some sex!

All we know is that this is completely fucked. If a man professes himself to be a feminist ally, women owe him sex. It’s as simple as that. One of the suffragettes said that. Or was it Germaine Greer? Who knows, who reads those feminazis anyway?

Elliot just informed us that his unopened copy of “The Female Eunuch” occupies pride of place on his bedside table.

At press time, Elliot was proceeding to slut shame all 3.8 billion women on Planet Earth for not orally stimulating his penis as reward for his feminism.

Men are great, so there’s so much more to come!